32 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.

Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 32 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My husband just voluntarily took out the trash and I think this might be how every harlequin romance story begins
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 8, 2021

My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says "I need you" it means move the couch or kill a bug
— 🧙♂️Nostradadmass🧙♂️ (@bigpoppadrunk) October 8, 2021

I wanted to hire movers and my husband said no, but apparently I’m still being forced to help considering the dirty look I just got for sitting on the couch.
— Tiffany (@tiffany_pulfrey) October 8, 2021

79% of married life is wives asking husbands to close the windows
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 16, 2021

I hate it when my husband and I can’t agree on a show to watch because he refuses to fall asleep.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 14, 2021

We just reached the phase of marriage where I FaceTimed my husband from a work trip to show him “this super cute neighborhood” I was driving through.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 12, 2021

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2021

me: *transitioning to a plant-based diet*

husband: *just bites right into a giraffe*
— 🦇 cella 🦇 (@cellapaz) October 9, 2021

Wife: I keep having nightmares that I’m in squid game

Me: but you haven’t actually seen squid game…

Wife: yes I know but my brain is inventing the plot based off of memes I’ve seen and doing a very frightening job
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 10, 2021

SPOUSE 1: *wakes up*

SPOUSE 2: [already wide awake] good morning, here is a list of all the things you did in your sleep last night
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 15, 2021

son said he was bored so hubby made a game of vacuuming as much dog hair as he could with the cordless vac and he’s almost done the whole house…im married to a parenting wizard
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 16, 2021

My wife can't remember the password she changed yesterday, but she can remember everything I said at 2:54PM April 3, 2015.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 15, 2021

Y'ALL a neighbor knocked when my husband was home and asked to borrow our toilet plunger. Not only did my husband lend it, but SHE BROUGHT IT BACK AFTER USE AND HE ACCEPTED IT!!!!!!!

I'm gonna throw the whole husband in the trash with the plunger 🤢
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 12, 2021

I asked my husband what’s better; Easter candy or Halloween candy and he said, ‘it’s the same shit, just different colored wrappers”, and now I need a divorce attorney.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 15, 2021

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 8, 2021

Get married and have kids so your husband can judge you when he finds chip crumbs in the baby's hair.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) October 11, 2021

As soon as my wife finishes helping me cook, I’m going to surprise her with dinner.
— Adam (@YSylon) October 12, 2021

If by married you mean share debt and a roof, then yes I am married.
— Stace (@girl_a_whirl) October 14, 2021

my wife and i are sleeping in a full size bed at my grandparents house. it's great to know what sleeping in a double coffin is like.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 14, 2021

Wife: Why is the rum out?

Me: [gesturing to kids]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 14, 2021

I told you you would get sick if you ate that!!

~Things I say to my husband and my dog
— ThisOneSaysBOOO (@ThisOneSayz) October 15, 2021

I'll say it again louder, for those in the back*!

*My husband who didn't listen the first time
— Marloween (@Marlebean) October 14, 2021

Husband: Hey babe, wanna have sex?

Me: Will there be snacks?
— avian ink (@avianink) October 16, 2021

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
— Crac⚡ked Wraith (@a_simpl_man) October 17, 2021

I’m not yelling, it’s just that the louder my voice is, the better my husband seems to understand what I’m saying.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 17, 2021

I never thought I’d have to worry about gray hair in my 30s. Then I got married and had kids and hahahaha hand me the Clairol
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 9, 2021

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) October 18, 2021

My husband says that “not terrible” is good enough for him, so congratulations to me I guess I’m not terrible
— Krysta ate all your candy (@krystaunclear) October 17, 2021

When my wife is sleeping I walk around the house like a ninja.

When I'm sleeping my wife goes bowling in a bowling alley I didn't know we had.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 18, 2021

My husband is surprised I broke into the Halloween candy already and now I’m wondering who he’s actually been married to all these years
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 11, 2021