Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 28 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Nothing is louder than what your spouse is watching in the other room.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 4, 2022
My husband has seen my boobs a million times and still acts like it’s the first time he’s seen them whenever I get dressed
— hay (@twchywtchygrl) March 6, 2022
Y’all I shit you not I just walked into the other room and my husband was listening to a podcast to teach him patience on 2 times speed.
— Molly (@momajewski) March 5, 2022
Wife’s outta town and you know what that means…
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 3, 2022
It means I don’t know where anything is or what’s going on.
Me: That was a great salad.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 4, 2022
Husband: You ate shredded cheese and a bag of croutons.
Me: Close enough.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 6, 2022
Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 3, 2022
I can't be sure but I think I just overheard my husband say "cool beans" on a conference call which is a shame because I really enjoyed being married to him
— Anne Riley Moffat (@A_Riley17) March 4, 2022
Husband: So you’re just gonna sit there staring at your phone?
— Obviously Everyone... (@OMGSoOverIt) February 27, 2022
(Looks up from phone)
Maybe later, I’m not hungry.
Just overheard my husband throwing out an empty bottle while saying “goodbye olive oil, you did a good job.”
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) March 6, 2022
Wife: *keeps her 6 pillows on my side of the bed*
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 5, 2022
Also my wife: Can you move the corner of your pillowcase from my side of the bed
It appears my wife's favorite time to give me the silent treatment is when I'm right.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 28, 2022
Every time we pass a cornfield, my husband says "hey, there's a cornfield" and I say "children of the corn." I have no point really.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) March 3, 2022
Me to my husband: Get away, you're gross. Me to my cat: Of course you can sneeze in my face and rub your nose on my glasses.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) March 1, 2022
My wife: you and your grandma are a match made in heaven
— lucy bexley📚 No Strings is out now! (@bexley_lucy) February 27, 2022
Me: what makes you say that?
My wife: you both take hours to eat a single cup of pudding. I did an entire load of laundry and you’re still working on that tapioca
Pro tip: Lip syncing your wife when she’s complaining about something you did is not as funny as you might think.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 23, 2022
My husband just said “it’s been a while since we went out. Would you like a date” and when I accepted he handed me a dried date to eat and then started laughing and he keeps laughing and basically this is my tweet announcing I’m single and looking for love.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 23, 2022
My daughter looked at a text message and said "Ugh, I don't have enough patience to deal with these dumb boy questions." Which is funny because that's exactly what I think when my husband texts me.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 7, 2022
couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 23, 2022
Married sexting:
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 5, 2022
Her: Did you get the scented dog waste bags?
Me: Yep
The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 1, 2022
Early in the marriage
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) February 28, 2022
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh, you’re already staking claim to the left side of the couch?
When my wife and I start a movie after 8PM it becomes a two night miniseries.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 26, 2022
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) March 3, 2022
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You're not invited.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and forward all the episodes of her series to the last five minutes
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 28, 2022
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 24, 2022
My wife said she's in a bad mood but it's not my fault so I'm taking this as a win.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 22, 2022
90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 27, 2022