Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) April 15, 2022
My husband offered to carry my umbrella, which I thought was very sweet, until I realized it was actually just to make sure his takeout food didn’t get wet in the rain.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 5, 2022
Respect ✊🏻
I wish I knew what my wife’s hands are made of. I picked up washing dishes where she left off and scalded the hell outta my hands.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) April 18, 2022
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 11, 2022
*Husband brings entire purse*
somebody snapped at my husband on the phone and i heard him go "whoah, you sound upset!" "should we take some time and talk about this later?" "we okay now?" truly do not recommend testing anyone who's spent the entire pandemic parenting a toddler full-time
— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) April 15, 2022
Every marriage has one person who reports whenever a celebrity dies and one person who says “oh.”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 12, 2022
Y’all I just found my husband outside changing a lightbulb by standing on a folding chair on top of a folding table SOS
— PA-S(eeking Caffeine) (@PASeekingcafien) April 16, 2022
Since I work from home my husband likes to randomly make Alexa blast Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” throughout the house. And that was fun to explain to a judge this week during my zoom hearing.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 12, 2022
my husband bought me flowers and I found a vase, cut the stems, arranged them, protected them from children, cleaned up the fallen leaves, threw them away when they died, and washed the vase
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) April 19, 2022
i wish i loved anything as much as my husband loves asking me questions about movies he’s watching that i’ve never seen before
— 🇺🇸E.🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) April 14, 2022
Not even mad anymore when straight people are like “oh my god my cousin’s dentist is gay, do you know them??” Because yes, I do.
— Caitlin J. Stout (@CaitlinJStout) April 16, 2022
We’re watching House Hunters and I was like “Aw this episode has lesbians” and my wife looked up at the TV and said “I went to Canada with her once.”
Wife’s working from the same room, so I’m trying really hard to act busy and seem important on work calls
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 13, 2022
last night I dreamt my husband and I were having a series of threesomes and I was woke up and told him I was mad and he was like “why, was I paying more attention to the thirds” and I had to tell him it was because he kept offering the thirds a snack
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 17, 2022
“I saw the neighbor cleaning out his gutters.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2022
~How I get my husband to clean out the gutters
Sometimes being married means being in trouble for not responding to a text she never sent.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) April 5, 2022
Why is it that every time I’m craving chips all I can find from the variety pack is Fritos and Cool Ranch Doritos!?
— TitsforTat 🏳️🌈 (@magicalchaos14) April 13, 2022
My wife 🤦♀️😤😂
My wife just screamed, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU?!” What a weird way to start a conversation.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) April 6, 2022
Dating: I’m not wearing any panties, baby.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 11, 2022
Married: I’m not wearing any panties because you forgot to do the laundry again.
So now my husband has started throwing away my underwear just because “it has holes in it you’ve had these for 20 years for the love of god do you have no standards”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 13, 2022
wife bought vegan bird food and gentrified our backyard
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 7, 2022
My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of her loud noises disturbing my sleep while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 6, 2022
my husband says the only people who say “hem-hawing around” other than me are old farmers…
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 12, 2022
My wife is away for the weekend and I’m going to party* so hard
— lucy bexley 🧃 is on deadline (@bexley_lucy) April 8, 2022
*work on my sapphic Coyote Ugly book and actually fold the clean laundry
I’m an introvert, whereas my husband wants to become friends with someone because they drive the same car as us.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 10, 2022