Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 27 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband and i promised to never go to sleep angry. We’ve been awake since Thursday.
— jalene (@jjalenev) July 10, 2022
My husband asked me to stop being passive aggressive to my mother-in-law, but without that we’d have no relationship
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 5, 2022
My wife: Have you noticed that when 2 gets anxious he’ll say, “I need to go potty” just to be removed from the situation?
— Chaotic Dad (@daydrinkindad) July 13, 2022
[Later that day]
My wife: Did you spend $185 on New Balance?
Me: I need to go potty.
I asked my wife if she had any plans tonight and pic.twitter.com/SQu4yyOO0z
— Kim Bhasin (@KimBhasin) July 14, 2022
My husband and I take turns burping into the phone when answering spam calls, because teamwork makes the dream work.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 11, 2022
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 14, 2022
It’s hard for me to talk about but I was catfished at 21. He said he was a business owner, loved cuddling and musicals
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 16, 2022
My husband: it’s called dating. We were dating. Stop making that joke.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 when I ate her burger after her 28 hour labor. It was flavorless anyway
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 12, 2022
I told my husband I hope our babies are all born in September so they'll be the oldest in their grade and maybe that will give them an advantage in sports and he said "totally agree, because Sapphire is the prettiest birthstone." In case you're wondering which of us is gayer.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 13, 2022
The biggest lie my wife & I tell ourselves is this will be the weekend we remember to donate those boxes of clothes
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 17, 2022
My wife always wants me to drive because there's nothing for her to correct if I'm the passenger.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) July 6, 2022
Heard my husband absentmindedly tell the kids it was okay for them to wash the dogs in our bathroom and I’ve never needed to go grocery shopping so bad in my life.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) July 11, 2022
Husband: What’s the password for our wifi extender?
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) July 8, 2022
Me: It’s my phone number.
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband: What’s your phone number?
WIFE: *petting our whining dog* what do you want? I already gave you the f-word
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) July 15, 2022
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Food, damnit! I meant food!
My husband calls our Bluetooth speaker Mr Speaker and addresses it as if we are in Parliament.
— Toks W. (@toks_w) July 13, 2022
Currently seeking a stunt double who looks like my husband, won't eat the last ice cream cone and knows where to bury a body
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 15, 2022
I really wanted our anniversary to be special, so I ordered take out from her favorite restaurant, but didn’t ask her to pick it up.
— Chaotic Dad (@daydrinkindad) July 8, 2022
My husband gags anytime he hears the word chunky so naturally it's one of my favorite things to say
— 𝙴𝚗𝚗𝚞𝚒 𝙳𝚘𝚘𝚏𝚎𝚗 (@blueeyesgreene) July 14, 2022
“How's it going?”
— Lisabug Jonze (@Lisabug74) July 17, 2022
Husband: “how's what going?”
“The last we spoke was about you mopping.”
Husband: “no, the last thing was where are the batteries.”
“Ok. Have fun mopping.”
Husband: “I haven't started mopping yet; I'm still sweeping.”
Marriage.
My wife just said “I recently read somewhere…” and then said something I told her, very intense to witness
— mike castle (@magicmikecastle) July 12, 2022
Welcome to parenthood.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 11, 2022
Arranging a dishwasher to accommodate all the kid cups to show your spouse a clean kitchen counter now counts as foreplay.
Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 15, 2022
Husband: Do you want some ice cream?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2022
Me: I’m not very hungry. Maybe just a bite. *eats half the container while he’s getting bowls*
I’ve never done a triathlon but one time I accompanied my wife to HomeGoods, Michaels, and Hobby Lobby in a single trip.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 6, 2022
My husband doesn't know what color my eyes are because they never stop rolling long enough.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) July 8, 2022
Thinking about the time my husband started laughing so I asked him what was so funny and he blushed and said “I just remembered how funny I am.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 9, 2022
I accidentally used my wife’s body wash, and now I feel like I’m in charge of EVERYTHING!
— John to the World 🌎 (@JohnJokewriter) July 17, 2022