Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 28 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her one millionth candle.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 27, 2022
Establish dominance in your marriage by watching all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls under your husband's Netflix profile
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) November 1, 2022
Wife- I need to clean.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 2, 2022
Me- I can clean, let me do it.
Wife- No I want this place actually clean, not fake clean.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 1, 2022
Nothing like the gift of a soap scum sponge from your mother-in-law to let you know your house is dirty.
— 💀SpookyLittleComic👻 (@CunniLinguist77) October 26, 2022
[woman outside store]
— Midge (@mxmclain) October 28, 2022
Her: I have two puppies for adoption, interested?
Me: yes, but if I bring home another dog my husband will leave me
Her: so both then?
My wife just told the dog to “find himself some business”. I love being Black.
— Kevín (@KevOnStage) October 28, 2022
My husband and I were in a department store my he said,“Take your time. I'll just wait over here,” and I swear I could hear every woman in the store gasp.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 27, 2022
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 3, 2022
My husband told me today he no longer likes watching "Shark Tank" and I ask for privacy during this difficult period in our marriage.
— https://mstdn.social/@benjaminjs (@BenjaminJS) November 6, 2022
My husband was folding his laundry and he pulled out black lace panties and looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t know who these belong to I swear.” Which is a completely normal reaction from one divorce lawyer to another. Deny, deny, deny.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 3, 2022
They were mine by the way.
marriage is between two people, one who falls asleep with TV volume on low and one who wants it blaringly loud
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 3, 2022
Me: Do that thing I like
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 27, 2022
Husband: *moves to the other side of the house*
I sat in the bathroom at work for 10 minutes, just playing on my phone. I guess this is what being a husband feels like.
— Lil Miss Badonkulous (@Mom_Overboard) November 2, 2022
I told my wife I was worried about what my students would think of my outfit and she goes, “we’re just blurred old stick figures standing in the foreground”
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) October 27, 2022
my wife loves me unconditionally which is terrible, cause now she’s married to a guy who wears ripped cargo shorts to parties, clips his toenails on the front porch and has a felonious amount of untamed pubic hair
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 28, 2022
Great news: I just got into the DARK CRIME MYSTERY genre of television where the OVERWHELMING TYPE OF SCARY MURDERERS is WHITE MEN IN THEIR 30s.... now to take a big sip of coffee & remember the demographic of Husband I just married.......
— broti gupta (parody) (@BrotiGupta) November 3, 2022
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2022
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Impatiently waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 1, 2022
It's my birthday, I should do something.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) October 31, 2022
My wife: Go to work, that's something.
My husband just told me that I was right and...
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 26, 2022
... I don't know what else he said because I stopped listening after he said that I was right.
My wife has this cute way of saying I need to do something by saying we need to do something.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 3, 2022
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) October 28, 2022
Congrats to my husband who just bought another cordless drill.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) October 29, 2022
My husband: Why do you have a life size cardboard cutout of John Cena in the room?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 3, 2022
Me:
John Cena: *eating popcorn next to me* I’m not gonna lie it’s creeping me out too
My favorite part about being married is having conversations like
— Marl (@Marlebean) November 1, 2022
"if I die, would you even KNOW WHERE the WASHCLOTHES are?!"
Had a runny nose while sitting in the hubby’s car so I did what any woman would do and went for the glove box…THERE. WERE. NO. NAPKINS.
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) November 1, 2022
men are demons
My husband is all upset that I don’t care which way I hang the toilet paper and I’m all like dude there are more important things to worry about and he’s like yeah like which way to hang the paper towels
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 30, 2022