Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
80% of marriage is showing your spouse the item they couldn't find is in the exact place you told them to look.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) December 23, 2022
“This beer is delicious!”
— Midge (@mxmclain) December 24, 2022
is not the right thing to shout out the window when my husband is shoveling snow
we don’t talk enough about casual gaslighting in relationships. like this morning I casually gaslit my husband by eating a little bit of his French Toast when he went to the bathroom
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 1, 2023
Husband: hello
— smerobin (@smerobin) December 26, 2022
Me: I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO TALK TO ME WHEN I'VE EATEN THIS MUCH CHOCOLATE
Is marriage just a competition of who slept worse?
— Yard Dad (@IAmYardDad) December 31, 2022
I don’t often reconnect with old college buddies but when I do it’s because my wife asked me to get their new address because our Christmas card came back.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2022
It was as my wife began reading the third entry from her list of resolutions that the grim reality struck: they were resolutions for *me*
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 1, 2023
My wife keeps the romance alive by leaving me to deactivate most of her many daily phone alarms, she's so playful this chick
— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) December 29, 2022
I had my suspicions that my husband was getting me an air fryer for Christmas from his casual mentions about air fryers and the air fryer box that’s been sitting in our living room for the entire month of December.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 28, 2022
My wife gently snoring on the couch surrounded by cats as the second sex scene in Carol unfolds at a moderate volume is exactly the energy I need going into 2023
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) December 22, 2022
we've entered the time where i can't go into the kitchen to get something to eat without my wife yelling "those are for christmas!!" so i guess i'll starve for the next 3 days.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 22, 2022
We kissed in front of our 5 year old and she’s been laughing for six minutes straight, in case anyone’s wondering what married life is like after kids
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 28, 2022
A minute of silence for all those husbands who believed in their wife saying, “no gifts for Christmas this year”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 25, 2022
How is it that a Mother-in-law can make a kitchen feel 37 times smaller?
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 26, 2022
what I say: I’m working from home tomorrow
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) December 30, 2022
what my wife hears: I’m absolutely free tomorrow, entirely at your disposal, nothing else comes first, use me for all tasks, for my body is just a vessel and my will is yours to command
My wife and I are currently in the longest "you do it" toilet paper game ever played. pic.twitter.com/ATTTKhNeOq
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 31, 2022
It’s 1pm and my husband has made at least a dozen “last year” jokes.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 1, 2023
Even worse, I fell for one of them.
Both my teens have phones so when I can’t reach my husband I am able to call two other people who also don’t answer their phones.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 26, 2022
I know my husband’s not listening to me because I just described myself as very outdoorsy (the equivalent of describing a turkey as very excited for Thanksgiving) and he said yeah
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) December 20, 2022
kissed my wife, yelled PROSPERITY, then took a magnesium supplement so yeah I think this year will be p good.
— niki ang (@nicolaang) January 1, 2023