Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
it's that time of season my kids are mad at me for the house being cold while they are literally only wearing underwear.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 26, 2021
Not my husband calling me from the ballet studio because he can’t remember the stranger danger password and my daughter won’t go home with him 💀💀💀
— kelly andrew 🍂 (@KayAyDrew) October 25, 2021
my newborn arrived healthy and fully prepared for spooky season 👻🧡🎃 pic.twitter.com/5zXGsK6MKh
— Yuli🌹 (@moneybunny420) October 26, 2021
11 y/o says rap isn’t music, “it’s just talking,” so once she gives me a curfew and tells me she’s not mad, just disappointed, I guess her transformation into my mother will be complete.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 26, 2021
before i had kids i thought there were like twenty kinds of dinosaurs total. now i know there are 800, and my three year old would like to be every single one of them for halloween, please. IN HIS PREFERRED COLOR SCHEME
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) October 24, 2021
Not to brag, but my baby thinks I'm the funniest person in my house.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) October 26, 2021
[carving pumpkins]
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) October 27, 2021
Me: Need help buddy?
5: No, I do it myself
5’s pumpkin: pic.twitter.com/EEmdu1vs3u
Packing lunch for your kid today is so complicated with food restrictions and the pressure for it to look photogenic. That is why I recommend the pared-down, old school approach: coffee and cigarettes.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 28, 2021
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 27, 2021
my kid after one me after five
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 27, 2021
piece of candy cups of coffee pic.twitter.com/aiXNdlpczn
My 7 yr old wants to know how many years I spent in "Mom training school" and if I "practiced enough with dolls" before I had her; I don't like this line of questioning.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 27, 2021
I don’t care who voices Buzz Lightyear as long as the movie allows me a solid 2 hour nap while my kid watches it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 28, 2021
If you see me driving erratically, I'm not drunk, I just have a toddler demanding snacks.
— Kitty Kat (@katbuble) October 26, 2021
Schools need to make a spirit day that is easy for parents, like My Mom Forgot it was School Spirit Day Day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 26, 2021
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) October 25, 2021
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2021
"WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 29, 2021
~ Me, helping my son with his math homework
It should be illegal for your child to change their favorite character without giving you a 30 day notice
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 28, 2021
Halloween activities with kids can be so fun like for instance earlier I dislocated my shoulder carving 3 pumpkins on my own while they watched Netflix and ate chocolate skeletons
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 26, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. You now yawn every time you read the word yawn.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 25, 2021
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 25, 2021