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Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
I love when people underestimate my almost 3yo and are like “is that a choo-choo?” And he’ll be like “actually, it’s a high speed bullet train”.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 20, 2023
My kids could never get away with a murder because they'd leave an empty fruit snack wrapper at the crime scene.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 20, 2023
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 18, 2023
I'm proud of my husband for publishing his first paper in Nature today, but I'm even prouder that my 10yo read the paper and found a grammatical error.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) April 20, 2023
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2023
My six year old is watching a YouTube video about a topic that I happen to have a lot of interest in, and I asked him if he knew that I love this topic. He said, "I don't really know you that much" sir I -
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) April 15, 2023
me: please stop sucking on your fingers
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 16, 2023
6: im not!
me: i just saw your fingers in your mouth
6: yes, i was trying to bite them
Sleep when the baby sleeps, scream when the baby screams.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) April 20, 2023
My daughter told me she has a plan for Spring as the cat-callers come out:
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) April 20, 2023
She's making a small sign to pull out of her pocket when men say things to her. It says, "Fuck you, I'm 12."
Smartest thing I ever did was have two kids. They are currently asking each other to ‘watch this’ while in the pool. This shit is finally paying off
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) April 21, 2023
5yo: mom carry me
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 21, 2023
me: oof you're getting big
5yo: oof you're getting old
me:
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) April 18, 2023
Get it together, toddlers.
me: whatcha guys watching?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 15, 2023
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching... The land before time...
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 19, 2023
I didn’t think it was possible to move at negative speed until I witnessed my preschooler zipping up her own jacket.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2023
My 6yo tried walking past me while I was sitting on a chair. He tripped on the chair, fell to the ground and blamed me for it! Now I had no part in his fall but when he said that I tripped him on purpose, despite me not having moved, my laughter was seen as an admission of guilt.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 15, 2023
I told my daughter I had a crush on someone and she said “I’m not trying to be rude but why?!?”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 20, 2023
What is it like to be a parent?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 17, 2023
Imagine you are straining to carry every single grocery bag and someone tosses you a priceless vase. Also, the kitchen is on fire.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 20, 2023