Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
husband: have you seen my jeans?
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 26, 2023
5yo: have you tried the big closet where all the clothes are?
me: *sheds a single tear of pride*
asked my 5 year old if she had fun at her birthday party and she was like “yeah, but…sometimes birthdays are just too MUCH birthday, you know?” and I was like dude. I DO KNOW
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 24, 2023
8yo insisted she slept in a coffin at her sleepover. After a frenzied interrogation we finally landed on the right Google image.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 23, 2023
A cot. She forgot the word cot.
If you want to reduce your kid's screentime, have a baby! They'll quickly learn that their screentime means you're paying attention to the baby and suddenly they HATE TV and only want to play intricate games of pretend w you that require you to be at least 10 feet from the baby.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 27, 2023
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 26, 2023
Whenever my friends with toddlers are like “my child will remember THIS special trip, moment, person” I’m thinking in my head, “they will not, your child will remember precisely one thing from before they were four and that will be the time they puked on their friend in daycare”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) April 25, 2023
I couldn’t find the Nutella so I asked my son if he had seen it. He brought it to school. It’s in his locker. It’s for emergencies.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 25, 2023
A friend told her child that if she broke the rules she’d have to live with the consequences and the kid started sobbing and said “I don’t wanna live with the consequences, I wanna live with you!”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 26, 2023
this dude just introduced himself on a work call and said he had a "30 month old". so we're not gonna be friends.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 26, 2023
If you’re wondering if parenting is for you, my 5yo woke me up at 5am this morning in a panic because his fish wasn’t blinking.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 24, 2023
I don’t think I’m easily shocked, but I certainly was shocked today when I realized my son had deliberately grabbed a handful of an ant pile and put it in his mouth and eaten the dirt and the ants
— mdd (@merrydevo) April 27, 2023
kids at bedtime are like cocaine bear and in the morning sloths on melatonin
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 24, 2023
teaching my 8yo responsibility by having him pick up dog poop, but now he thinks poop in bags is fun and we should do it with our poop and this lesson has gone off the rails quickly
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 26, 2023
my 4 year old took off his shirt and announced he feels like a fresh pancake
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 27, 2023
Me: Let me know if you want help studying for your AP Lang test.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 24, 2023
Daughter: No thanks, you still put two spaces after a period.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 24, 2023
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My 5yo just caught me sneaking a cookie before dinner and she said if I shared it with her she wouldn’t tell Mommy. Idk whether to be frightened or impressed…
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) April 26, 2023
Had a baby on one arm, dumping out coffee grounds and replacing the filter with the other. Was moving to find the baby gate and unfold a blanket for the floor when my 5 y/o started to ask a question that began, “Daddy, since you aren’t doing anything…”
— Adam (@YSylon) April 23, 2023
4: mama! Play with me
— Monster Truck Abigail (@themommylode) April 23, 2023
Me: ok, what are we playing
4: you’re a dinosaur and I’m a Jedi
Me: no, I can’t mix genres like that
My kids could get a lollipop from the top of Mt. Fuji, but a pair of socks from their drawer, that’s too difficult
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 26, 2023
I used to think parenting would involve saying lots of inspiring things to my kids but instead my 6yo has me saying “stop throwing wolves at me”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 27, 2023
Told my kid that plants like it when you talk to them and he started telling his seedlings about his dream last night and I guess I’m trying to tell you I found a solution for people who like to tell you about their dreams
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) April 25, 2023