Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
the hospital sending me home with a whole baby honestly showed very poor judgement on their part
— 🦇 cella 🦇 (@cellapaz) September 9, 2021
Hear me out. A new toddler clothing line called “I Don’t Need Help” where all of the clothing is already inside out and always backwards.
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) September 8, 2021
How to keep your home clean:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 7, 2021
1. Get your family out of the house
2. Clean
3. Never let your family back in the house
My 10yo just told me a joke:
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 9, 2021
Q: “What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns?”
A: “Her-she”
Gonna take my dad skills to work and solve every conflict with a loud, deep "HEY!"
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) September 9, 2021
my kid’s homework pic.twitter.com/wCxZmledUs
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) September 9, 2021
OMG I hope no one finds out I have a family.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 7, 2021
-Teenagers
Kids be like, I see you’ve just made yourself comfortable, I have prepared a list of requests for your assistance.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 9, 2021
no one:
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 6, 2021
absolutely no one:
my five year old: you can touch my blood if you want
This morning my toddler informed me — w great enthusiasm — that when she grows up, she will “drink coffee!” and “go to the office!” And it occurs to me that we’re modeling some pretty grim behavior around here.
— Ashley Parker (@AshleyRParker) September 9, 2021
As a parent, I was prepared for the boy to get into violent video games, but I was not prepared for him to become obsessed with a vineyard management sim called Terroir and get upset about critics slagging off his Zinfandel
— Will Wiles (@WillWiles) September 7, 2021
Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 5, 2021
Behold, the spirit animal of every kid waking up for school after a 3-day weekend pic.twitter.com/CMTShKou1q
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 7, 2021
One of my kids went into my bedroom with two enormous wedges of cheese. He’s eating the cheese in my bedroom right? He didn’t bring a plate.
— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) September 10, 2021
The thirteen-year-old got a kazoo. Thoughts and prayers, please.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) September 4, 2021
Lmao pic.twitter.com/E7yAcZDsXH
— Jessi (@OlMumsyJess) September 5, 2021
ME: please eat your sandwich
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 6, 2021
WHAT MY KID HEARS: please reverse engineer your sandwich until it looks like the earth from which it came
I got scolded by my daughter for using punctuation in a text message.
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) September 4, 2021
Why, would; she! do. that?
It takes me about three minutes to make my 5yo a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which is coincidentally the exact amount of time it takes my 5yo to decide she doesn’t actually want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 8, 2021
my son didn't know the name for a clothes hanger so I was pretty confused when he asked me for a pants hooker
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 8, 2021
Babies recognize their mothers' voices in the womb so they can selectively block it when they're older.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) September 7, 2021
It’s crazy that it took like 10 months to come up with a covid vaccine but it’s taken ETERNITY and still no one has come up with a sippy cup that doesn’t leak.
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) September 9, 2021