Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
before you buy your kid a toy that plays a cute little song, ask yourself: do i want to have that cute little song stuck in my head forever?
— Erin Ryan (@morninggloria) January 2, 2022
i can’t believe it’s 2022 and I’m sequestered at home exactly like I was in 2020 except now I have TWO kids because I’m an idiot
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 3, 2022
My daughter calls Netflix “Netflakes.”
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 1, 2022
No one:
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) January 3, 2022
My 8yo on the 3rd of January: So what are we doing for Halloween?
The funny part about temporarily being in a wheelchair is how my 5yo keeps telling me she’s going to push me in my stroller.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 3, 2022
This guy keeps telling his 2yo “hey, stop it” and I don’t think he knows how toddlers work
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 6, 2022
Ladies, we are creeping up on the 2-year anniversary of the first batch of “Moms Are At Their Breaking Point” Covid think-pieces. How do you plan to celebrate? I’m leaning toward nervous breakdown, but open to ideas.
— J. Courtney Sullivan (@jcourtsull) January 4, 2022
Nodding absent mindedly and saying "Sounds good" to your child sometimes means that you just agreed to a sleepover with 4 friends at your own house and this is why parenting is dangerous.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 6, 2022
If my kids are stuck on a deserted island with just one set of clothes, they’ll still end up with piles of laundry
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 4, 2022
Monopoly is a great game that teaches children the person with the most amount of money is usually an asshole.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 2, 2022
My kids are 6 & 4. Unless you're a business where 3 & under are free.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 1, 2022
thoughts and prayers for my 8 yo who is distraught that he has to take a shower today after he "just took a shower 4 days ago".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 6, 2022
Kids will sleep no problem on any surface, but can't walk if their socks are on inside out
— Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ (@CafeinatedBacon) January 3, 2022
i heard my five year old talking about her boyfriend so i asked what it meant to have a boyfriend
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 6, 2022
5: he gives me all his goldfish at snack time
…looks like she gets this relationship stuff
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 5, 2022
The hoodie IS my jacket
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 6, 2022
-teenagers
Me- Why are you in my closet?
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 6, 2022
11- I like to fart in here
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) January 2, 2022
10: Dad, what's the opposite of "discombobulated?"
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) January 5, 2022
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don't know, do NOT say "combobulated!"
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who knows all the lyrics to 43 Wiggles songs.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 5, 2022
We should never get a baby because babies are awful.
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 5, 2022
- My youngest ensuring her job security
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