Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting is a lot like talking to an automated phone attendant. You're hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 13, 2022
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 10, 2022
My daughter wanted to play doctor's office so I turned the ac to 60° and made her wait in her room for an hour and a half
— Shauna.. na (@ForgetTheMoose) January 12, 2022
Area Dads want you to know that the drink you have sitting so close to your laptop is making them nervous
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 13, 2022
Sully got in trouble so i took the iPad away. I went to check on him and i—
— Victoria Monét Love Account (@BtSquared2) January 9, 2022
I don’t have enough positive parenting experience for this so I’m leaving. pic.twitter.com/emWqpVFIV7
My kid gets in more steps getting out of bed every night than I do all day.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 13, 2022
I gave 14 a side hug in public yesterday and she said "You know, distance makes my heart grow fonder." So today I'm going to yell "HUGS" from a distance when I drop her off with friends.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 11, 2022
my 4yo likes to act like the food I cook is disgusting but he’s the one eating graham crackers dipped in watermelon juice
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 12, 2022
No one talks enough about how kids losing their teeth is some alien ass shit
— Meena Harris (@meena) January 13, 2022
We are trying to be those people with cereal in clear containers but I just don’t know if we have it in us.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2022
6 is really into dinosaurs and he told me the other day i'm not allowed to play with his dinosaurs because i don't know how to say the dinosaur names correctly. tough rules coming from a person who had a difficult time reading the word ARM the other day.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 10, 2022
My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) January 13, 2022
Catching up with friends in my 20s: How are you?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 8, 2022
Catching up with friends in my 30s: How are your kids?
Catching up with friends in my 40s: How is your gallbladder?
me: I have no free time anymore
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 11, 2022
also me: *spends two hours on facebook investigating the divorce drama of someone I barely know*
my husband has been teaching my 3 year old about football but explaining that toys on the floor are maximizing zone coverage was a bit much
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 13, 2022
Me to my child: Its not good to chew gum unless someones watching you closely. Child: Watch me closely! Me: ……….. …………. ….. . …. ………. ……no
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) January 14, 2022
6: So, you'll never get taller?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 11, 2022
Me: Nope, I can't grow taller-
6: Only fatter, right?
My 6yo told me he won’t wear jeans because they’re grumpy and now he’s my life coach
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 12, 2022
4, in an attempt to avoid bedtime, has come up with an adorable new excuse. Tonight from the monitor I heard this, “Momma, I’m having a bed party and you’re invited, when are you coming?”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 13, 2022
First you force your kids to be friends with your friends' kids, then they force you to be friends with their friends' parents.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) January 10, 2022
It's play date pay back.
"I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 10, 2022
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Nobody told me parenting would involve dumping out so many glasses of water.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 10, 2022
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