Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to feed my kids vegetables.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 16, 2022
My 5 yo after explaining to him that telling baldheaded ppl they look like thanos, is not the compliment he think it is: pic.twitter.com/Yl7a5N3W7M
— Mom | Sleep & Wellness (@themultiplemom) February 16, 2022
I'm proud of my kids but not "ruin my car with honor roll bumper stickers" proud.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 15, 2022
My older daughter turned 9 today. I’m looking forward to Season 9 of “When is my next birthday?!”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 12, 2022
Busted my 10 y/o daughter finishing my ice cream and she said, “sorry, I saw it and I missed you because you weren’t here so I had a bite and then I got carried away.” I think she just began her career in politics.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 17, 2022
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic Valentine’s dinner we can all fight about 5th grade math homework and have macaroni and cheese again.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2022
Stop Screaming! I screamed, in my gentlest parenting screaming voice
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 16, 2022
My daughter’s school’s mascot is a Viking, and when I dropped her off this morning I saw someone in a hoodie that said Viking Robotics and oh my lord would I watch the shit out of that show
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 16, 2022
My 4 year old got into some glitter.
— Jake almost (@jakery) February 15, 2022
He is now fabulous until further notice
If you enjoy the mood in your house going from calm to shitshow in less than 3 seconds, I cannot recommend parenting enough
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 16, 2022
A big thank you to all the kids who gave my son Valentine’s Day candy. I really enjoyed it!
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 14, 2022
i tried one of my daughter’s fruit snacks and somehow forgot they’re just...candy? I’ve been giving my 3 year old candy every day for two years and now she’s totally obsessed and addicted? you win again, america
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 15, 2022
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 12, 2022
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 14, 2022
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
As a pregnant woman in my early 30s my Ohio friends think “good for her, having a kid in old age!” And my Los Angeles friends think “good for her, a teen mom!”
— Chelsea Davison (@chelsea_davison) February 17, 2022
I jokingly asked my toddler where her off button is and she’s been walking around the house looking for it for the last 15 minutes, and now I’m mad at myself for not having thought of this sooner
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 17, 2022
The “What’s in the box?” scene from Seven, but it’s just me about to open my kid’s lunch bag after a day of school.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 17, 2022
My youngest boy fell over and cried and my daughter told him to stop behaving like he’s 4 and a half. They’re both 5.
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) February 17, 2022
Nobody feels more empowered than a 6-year-old with her own roll of tape.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 13, 2022
an ice cream truck that drives around in the winter selling kids gloves and boots and hats and snow pants and whateverelsetheylost that day
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 16, 2022
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 17, 2022
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 14, 2022