Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
There’s no such thing as monsters I tell my kid as I turn out his light and run the fuck down the hall
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) March 3, 2022
I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022
thoughts and prayers for my daughter who misunderstood evolution and is now mourning that she didn’t morph from a kitten
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2022
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 3, 2022
Told my kids they had to share a donut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale, and magnifying glass
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 3, 2022
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said "Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time" and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) March 3, 2022
Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that's October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 1, 2022
Kids bedtime is the Whac-A-Mole of parenting world
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 3, 2022
Ladies please remember I did my best when you are on a date with my son and he orders spaghetti.
— Laurie Kilmartin- West Bend WI, March 5 (@anylaurie16) February 28, 2022
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack, if you’re missing something let me know because it was definitely in there
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 2, 2022
Me: your dress is so cool, it has pockets!
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 3, 2022
3yo: oh… I can put snacks in them!
This kid gets it
My daughter told me that my belly is more squishy than a pillow so I’ll be accepting applications for a new heir
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 3, 2022
I just want to have the same confidence walking into any room as my kid does walking into the bathroom when I’m using it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 28, 2022
My child, THE ONE WHO GAVE ME COVID, just asked if I could cough more quietly
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) March 3, 2022
waiter: "anything to drink?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 28, 2022
4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"
So, yeah, they're always listening.
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2022
Parents, you can still do all the things you used to love. There's just a kid screaming in the background now.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 3, 2022
When my kids were little they called the baby monitor the momitor and honestly why isn’t it called that?
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) February 26, 2022
The inventor of dodgeball was probably a parent who was like, "Payback time, bitches"
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 3, 2022
Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) March 4, 2022
I’ve never cheated death but I have survived sneezing after a c-section, so, same.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) February 28, 2022
My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 3, 2022
My 5 YO got in the car this morning to go to school and asked if we “should roll the windows down and party” and I think I need to approach everything with that level of energy from now on.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) March 2, 2022
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 2, 2022
-toddlers