Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
I don't know if there's a right time for your preschooler to whisper, "are humans made out of meat?" in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 8, 2022
I would never say I have a favorite child but one of mine is 8 pounds and just sleeps and drinks milk from my body letting me burn 800 calories a day while sitting and the other called my dress “busy” and screams at me if his granola is too close to OR too far from his yogurt.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 5, 2022
Million dollar idea:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 8, 2022
Dinosaur chicken nuggets that may cause drowsiness.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 10, 2022
Unlocked the next level of being a dad, by removing and putting back the same batteries to get a dead remote working
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 7, 2022
10 y/o daughter said a boy named, Bryan, was trying to roast her at recess so she told him, “This has been fun, Brad, but I have to go.” I said I thought his name was Bryan and she smiled and said, “It is.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 10, 2022
She’ll do just fine with bullies.
Have kids so instead of waking up to an alarm clock you can be jarred awake by a 6yo two inches from your face letting you know the toilet is clogged.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2022
My 4yo went to his school library and borrowed two books. We already own both books.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 9, 2022
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) March 6, 2022
you're a parent and you only get 6 guesses for what snack your toddler really wants. the game is called, snackle.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 8, 2022
My 8yr old just walked up to the fridge and said “do I need food or do I want food” and now he’s the resident adult in our house
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 10, 2022
My toddler can’t pronounce many words but she has no problem saying “shit” clear as day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 6, 2022
2yo: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 8, 2022
me: What?
2yo: I want some quiet time.
I don't have siblings, so I don't get it when my kids are like, "I'll give you one of my kidneys but good luck trying to get me to share this snack with you."
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) March 7, 2022
6yo: this is my boyfriend
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 9, 2022
me: what’s his name?
6yo, whispers to boy: what’s your name?
me: been there
my son was invited to a birthday party so i texted the kids mom to rsvp and she left me on read and now my anxiety about other parents has tripled and no one warned me this would be the hardest part
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 6, 2022
My kids spill around 6432957 cups of water every day but they won’t let me forget that one time I shook a bottle of purple juice and it went over all of us and the entire kitchen because I forgot I’d just taken the lid off
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 8, 2022
My 5 year old brought me a sleeve of saltines and asked if he could "have his own line of crackers"
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) March 7, 2022
Tonight during dinner occured what can only be described as my shining moment of fatherhood. My 5 year- old looked up at me with a loving, curious gaze and said "dad can you make a fart noise with your underarm?" The tears began to well in my eyes as I lifted up my shirt sleeve
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) March 8, 2022
Parenting: because sleep is unnecessary and who needs money
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) March 7, 2022