Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
It’s dad law that if you encounter a group of children building a sand castle at the beach, you have to ask them if they have the appropriate permits.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 14, 2022
Preschools will be like “we are an immersive program that enriches your child’s world by expanding their horizons and connecting them with all the skills they need to succeed and the tools they need to socialize with their peers. The school is from 9am-11am Tues and Wed”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) March 15, 2022
Hi sorry I didn’t reply. My baby will only nap if I’m holding his entire butt in my hand and if my hand moves even a tiny bit from his butt he envisions his entire home planet exploding and loses his mind with sorrow.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 13, 2022
me when my kids won't try their food: you might like it
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 15, 2022
me when my kids want to try my food: you won't like it
My 6yo is already beating me at Mario Kart and now I know you can be simultaneously proud and ashamed of the same thing.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 15, 2022
5: today in school, we talked about what to do if you have anxiety
— Marissa 💚💛🍀 (@michimama75) March 15, 2022
Me, grabbing a note pad and pen: go on
Parenting in 3 steps:
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 15, 2022
(1) Your kid gets a little cold
(2) They sneeze on you
(3) Now you have Ebola
My family needs a movie where they just introduce every character and then give us 10 minutes so we can look up where we know the actors from.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 12, 2022
If you’re wondering if parenting is for you, I just heard a voice say “howdy partner!” and turned around to see my 3 yo wearing his potty seat on his head like a cowboy hat.
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) March 14, 2022
Me: I love you
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 17, 2022
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Walked by a group of dads at a barbecue and now I’m an expert on the cheapest gas stations in the country
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 12, 2022
My child, with a 4th grade education: That’s a cumulus cloud!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 15, 2022
Me, a college-educated adult: That cloud looks like a turtle!
6:“I think Grandma is getting me the @LEGO_Group Roller Coaster for my birthday.”
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) March 14, 2022
Me: Buddy, that’s a lot of money, not sure she will.
6: “It’s OK, I already made the money for her.”
The money: pic.twitter.com/jzjk7figUC
2-year-olds playing soccer care about the following things, in roughly the following order:
— The Kids Are Not On Fire (@KidsArentOnFire) March 12, 2022
• Sticks
• Airplanes
• Holes in the ground
• Big rocks
• Little rocks
• Other kids
• Soccer
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 16, 2022
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 16, 2022
I’m a mom, you might know me from such hits as
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 14, 2022
“Hurry up we’re gonna be late”
“What’s that smell”
and
“Didn’t I just feed you?”
[out in public]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 12, 2022
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can't breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he's wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Have kids so they can interrupt your meeting to remind you that triceratops was the horniest dinosaur
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 18, 2022
My six year old son had questions about periods after watching Turning Red. I explained to him what they were and how they worked. The conversation ended with him going “so that’s why you’re so grumpy with me and daddy for like six whole days?”
— 👩🏾💻 (@Steph_I_Will) March 16, 2022
Me: pic.twitter.com/CRkBhy97UT
Had to give up my pillow so that my 4yo’s fave stuffy could have a pillow. Otherwise the stuffy wouldn’t be able to sleep obviously.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 16, 2022
Spent all day consoling my kids for not being Irish until my husband came home and was like, let me tell you about your Irish grandmother. I completely forgot that my children come from two people
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 18, 2022
My son called a paper cupcake liner a "muffin skirt" and I immediately trademarked it
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) March 13, 2022
today my three year old grabbed my hand and said “mommy…why is life?” lol girl idk let me know if u figure it out
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 15, 2022