Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
school just sent a picture of all the kids playing dress up and my toddler under his blanket pretending to be asleep and I was like yep yep that is ABSOLUTELY my kid
— Swapna Krishna (@skrishna) April 18, 2022
I realized that my tire was flat halfway through the carpool drop off, but I continued to drive on it because the thought of being that parent who holds up the carpool line was scarier than ruining my car.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 20, 2022
Stages of kid’s speech:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2022
1.Babbling
2.Words
3.Sentences
4.Minecraft
5.Yo mama jokes
I’m so grateful for my kids, but when I had them I don’t think I fully comprehended that I’d need to hang out with them like…all the time
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 17, 2022
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 16, 2022
I’m not saying it was his favorite thing about our vacation, but on the way out my 7yo gave our hotel’s vending machine a big hug and said “Bye Vendy, I’ll miss you so much.”
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 17, 2022
Today my 5 year-old asked me which solar system Planet Fitness was in, and I had to leave the room.
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) April 18, 2022
My wife opened the fridge door and said “why is there a Lego box in here?” The answer is kids. It’s always kids.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 17, 2022
I am sure that four kids fighting over who found the most Easter eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 17, 2022
My wife and I are wondering what parenting mistake we made to lead our teenage son to squeeze his toothpaste like this. pic.twitter.com/slkGNPpTfJ
— Jay Varma (@DrJayVarma) April 18, 2022
Indian parents on Easter be like, look the bunny brought you some math worksheets
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 17, 2022
No one:
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 18, 2022
My landlocked 4yo at bedtime: do we have sea goggles?
My toddler insisted he had to take off all his clothes to go into the "dressing" room. Solid logic, really.
— A Dad Influence 🇺🇸🇫🇷🇺🇦 (@gbergan) April 20, 2022
Was telling my kids how Netflix use to come in the mail and they didn’t get it “they emailed you the movie?” These people are our future, lord help us all
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) April 16, 2022
My 7yo “wrote a song” which she assures me she absolutely did not rip off from the hit song What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes pic.twitter.com/MPHKZqMnWM
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 18, 2022
Really enjoying my kids heated backseat argument regarding *checks notes* are ducks birds
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 20, 2022
Welcome to motherhood, where you wish the kids will want dad for once when they are upset so you can get a little break, and then when they want dad, your feelings get hurt and you don't understand why they don't want you.
— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) April 19, 2022
them: kids are resilient. they'll bounce back from the last few years.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 18, 2022
my kid: *sword fighting a recycling bin in a darkened pantry while wearing a wedding veil* pic.twitter.com/eW8IrcM1GO
Is your kid normal or did they climb out of their crib for the 1st time at 18mos, hide in a closet, wait silently for you to enter their room, and then let out a tiny giggle just moments before you had a heart attack?
— Bre (@fullofmomsense) April 18, 2022
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 16, 2022
she really is living her best life
Our 8yo lost four teeth in the last two weeks. She’s a brave kid, she pulls them out herself. Probably motivated by money. Anyway, she has saved a lot of tooth fairy money and tomorrow she’s going to the Scholastic Book Fair. This is her Super Bowl.
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) April 18, 2022
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 18, 2022
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My daughter in the alcohol aisle of the grocery store: OH GREAT WE’RE BUYING MOM JUICE AGAIN
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 19, 2022
Why is my son playing his recorder at 7am? I feel like this is my punishment for talking back to my mom.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 16, 2022
Fuck them floors.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 18, 2022
-A kid with muddy shoes