Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 7, 2022
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022
My 7yo is pretty condescending for somebody who still needs to be reminded to go to the bathroom.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 10, 2022
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 6, 2022
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 4, 2022
7-year-old: Donuts.
My daughter keeps singin “started from the bottom, now we here” & i told her she needed to stop bc she goes to private school😭. We gon nip any concepts of getting anything out of the mud before they even start. Like, u come from a stable well supported environment. Knock it off
— Flick (@Frediculous) June 6, 2022
when i come back a little drunk and talk to the babysitter i feel like i'm on an hbo max show
— Naomi Fry (@frynaomifry) June 4, 2022
My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 9, 2022
You haven't gone full dad until start reading a historical marker plaque out loud to your uninterested kids.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 7, 2022
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 7, 2022
scheduling a tattoo in your thirties is just realizing, again and again, how unchill you have become. "swing by the shop sometime and we'll talk!!" i'm sorry sir i no longer swing by anywhere. i have a minivan and two available afternoons this month. can u send a calendar invite
— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) June 5, 2022
parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when you’re sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 9, 2022
My 6-year-old said when she grows up she wants to be a "chainsaw guy."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2022
Not sure if she means a professional tree trimmer like the ones working across the street or a serial killer in a hockey mask, but girls can do it all.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 5, 2022
Parenting is hugging your child good morning and asking them how they slept only for them to respond with “your breath stinks.”
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 8, 2022
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2022
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) June 6, 2022
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“UGH. There were like 8 TV writers.” -
— Daisy Gardner (@daisykpgardner) June 8, 2022
-my daughter absolutely grossed out by the choices at today’s Career Day.
someday im going to blow my kids minds by telling them i would just cruise around in my car for fun, ruining the earth and wasting gas for no reason but to blast some jams and feel alive
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 7, 2022
At school pick up Perfect Mum asked what I was giving the kids for dinner and I was about to make up something fancy when 5 said “probably sink spaghetti with floor cheese again” and skipped off to play with Freya
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 8, 2022
Changing my kids' names to what my autocorrect thinks they should be.
— Jennay Gump (@jovialjennay) June 8, 2022
I was peeing in public and my 4-year-old, while trying to open the stall door, calmly said, “I’m just gonna let them see your big butt.”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 8, 2022
97% of parenting is just saying "oh wow" to your kid when they do something totally not wow.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 8, 2022
You can't break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
— A Dad Influence 🇺🇸🇫🇷🇺🇦 (@gbergan) June 6, 2022