Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParentsH on Twitter for more!
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022
Grandparents are so wild. My son was crying that he wanted apple juice tonight and my mom was like “I’ll run to the store real quick! It’ll just take a second!”
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) July 10, 2022
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) July 12, 2022
I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.
— uncle mom (@mayamanion) July 11, 2022
Laying on my bed and my 4yo asks to play in my hair. She starts combing it gently; it feels lovely.
— la negra tiene tumbao (@beequammie) July 11, 2022
8yo comes in the room after her bath and asks me why the 4yo has scissors in my hair?!
Dear reader: my 4yo was "combing" my hair w/scissors b/c she "couldn't find a comb" 🙃
4 year old is livid because she thought we were travelling by FAIRY.. not FERRY 😬
— Daisy Haggard (@daisy_haggard) July 11, 2022
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 11, 2022
My toddler insisted that I hold her and is now crying because I’m touching her and suddenly I’m questioning this whole motherhood thing
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 12, 2022
I’m sorry for what I said while I was installing the car seat
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 10, 2022
I'm a mom to teens, so I just added sigh and eye roll interpreter to my resume
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 12, 2022
My daughter is reading a book of trivia for kids and asked, "Do you know about William Jennings Bryan?" and now I am trying to explain to her what the gold standard is and I got a 5 on the AP US History test and am an economics reporter but I am FLOP SWEATING
— Wailin Wong (@VelocityWong) July 10, 2022
My 4-year-old introduced me to his new imaginary friend. When I asked what happened to his other imaginary friend, he said, "oh, she's dead." Kids are creepy.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 10, 2022
6: You’re just as beautiful as that cemetery, mama!
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) July 10, 2022
Me: …thank…you?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 12, 2022
I was a horrible mother today and told my children that I hated their artwork. Well, what I really said was, ‘Please don’t color on the walls’ but apparently it’s the same thing
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 11, 2022
One day you're young and wild, windows down blasting rock n roll, next thing you know you're singing along to Disney soundtracks when your kids aren’t even in the car
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 12, 2022
Are you actually the "worst parent to have ever existed in the galaxy" or do your kids just need a snack?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 9, 2022
Whenever I'm watching cartoons with my 5-year-old she checks on me to make sure I'm paying attention. If I'm not, I get in trouble. This feels less like a fun activity and more like I'm being held hostage by a mean lady.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 14, 2022
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 10, 2022
children will drain you of every ounce of patience and energy and sanity and right before you lose it look at you with their sweet eyes and ask you for a snack
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 15, 2022
I get it toddlers, I too can be pacified with a book and a sippy cup
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 11, 2022
i asked 7 to fold the blanket he had gotten out. so he took it, spread it out on the floor, rolled himself up in it and cried for 6 minutes because "it's impossible".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2022
Sorry we’re late… my 6yo asked what one hundred plus one hundred was and she didn’t like when I told her two hundred.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 13, 2022