Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
So excited for my kids to return to school so I can spend my free time reading the 50 emails their school sends each day
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) August 15, 2022
6 yo, unsuspecting: How many minutes are in one year?
— Walking NPR (@WalkingNPR) August 15, 2022
Me, A musical theater nerd who came of age in the 90s: My moment has arrived…..
6 hours into a 6.5 hour road trip my six year old says she’s homesick so there’s that
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 13, 2022
My toddler’s daycare apparently uses the “clean up” song. My husband and I discovered this yesterday when we started singing it and it activated our kid like she was a sleeper agent and she immediately started putting her toys away.
— Marie CCS (@Marie_ClySar) August 14, 2022
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, "I'm NOT going all the way to the ocean right now."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 15, 2022
. my kid
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 18, 2022
relaxing school
at home picture day pic.twitter.com/qqhYFVNBKU
My daughter gave me “coupons” for my birthday with topics like, “Daddy-Daughter Lunch” and “Daddy-Daughter Ice Cream Shop.” It’s so sweet she wants to spend some time and my money with me.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 16, 2022
It’s amazing how much my 5 year old wants to talk about his birthday the second it’s someone else’s birthday
— threetimedaddy 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) August 17, 2022
My little girl is fiercely independent. She won't even hold hands on a walk because she "doesn't need help!" So when I felt her reach up and gently hold my hand as we walked into the first day of kindergarten I teared up. Then she dragged it across her slimy nose like a kleenex.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 17, 2022
My kids have two settings, adorable angels or ransacking raccoons
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 15, 2022
My 10yo son once told me he doesn’t want kids because he “doesn’t want Cheerios in his car.” Couldn’t argue.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) August 17, 2022
Made the mistake of mentioning a radio to my 7-year-old who had no idea what one even is. Had to explain it with terms like bluetooth speaker and streaming.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 16, 2022
My son discovered that you can have 3 tabs of Duolingo open for 10 minutes and it will record 30 minutes on his teacher's end
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 15, 2022
My son also discovered that I don't think it's as cool as he thinks it is and now he has to sit next to me for 30 minutes a day when he does his homework
My 7yo told us she had a dream that she came downstairs late last night and saw us eating cake and omg I can’t believe that actually worked
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 15, 2022
5 told me she’d draw my portrait then asked to look at a potato so she could “get my face right” and I don’t really know where we go from here
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 15, 2022
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 16, 2022
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
57% of my conversations with my kids are about their games. 20% are about what i should buy them next and the other 23% is complaining about games or what i did not buy them.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 16, 2022
4yo accidentally activated Siri on the Apple TV remote, and couldn’t figure out how to make it go away, so he started shouting NEVERMIND at the remote.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) August 14, 2022
My husband came home to find me vacuuming dirt out of the bathtub and had the audacity to ask how the kids were today
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 17, 2022
I'm sorry I'm late, my 3yo decided his shirt was too blue.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) August 17, 2022
My daughter is at a friend’s house and they are prank calling me from the landline and holy shit I’ve never been more proud. Anyway, gotta go… my refrigerator is running. Apparently.
— Luke+ (@lukeplusone) August 16, 2022
When my sister had kids before me and she’d say they were being assholes, I’d be like Woaaa and now I’m like Ohhhh.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 17, 2022
One minute you are young and carefree and the next minute your kids are asking for help with their history homework because you were alive in the nineteen hundreds.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 16, 2022