Kids may say the strangest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) September 22, 2022
My 3yo niece wanted me to pretend I was her baby.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 22, 2022
When I pretended to cry she promptly put a pillow over my face and told me sshhh.
Kids are terrifying.
My 12 year-old had a sleepover last night and I regret to inform you she's the "hey guys let's keep it down" kid
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) September 18, 2022
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022
6: am i made of yolk?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 18, 2022
me:
6: my friend said we come from eggs so did i come from the white or the yellow?
me: ahh…go ask your father
I thought my 2yo would be ok w the new Cars show even though I heard it was a bit scary bc he loves Cars & has never been scared of TV but we watched the haunted house ep, he was completely silent and then at the end said “I don’t want to watch TV anymore” Did I break him??
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 17, 2022
Sticks and stones may break my bones because my kid left them all over the living room floor
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 21, 2022
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022
- my child, about to be shook
Accidentally put grown-up toothpaste on my toddler’s toothbrush and he screamed like I was cleaning his teeth with a Carolina Reaper dipped in Tabasco sauce.
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) September 20, 2022
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 20, 2022
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
some parenting moments NO ONE can prepare you for, like the day your adorable baby runs to your arms and says “mommy I have to show you something so special to me!” and she leads you to the bathroom and unveils her incredibly special and disturbingly gigantic mound of poop
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 18, 2022
Do tons of activities with your toddler on Saturday, let them stay up late and really wear them out so they still wake up at 4:30 on Sunday morning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2022
My 7-year-old son grabbed a big stick that was leaning against a building and a woman stopped him and told him it was her husband’s stick so apparently this is something he might not grow out of.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 19, 2022
The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. My husband and son are farting on one another. It truly is a wonderful life.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 20, 2022
My kids are piercing their baby dolls' ears, and after much debate they decided against lip rings because - and I quote - 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘔𝘈𝘠𝘉𝘌 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 10.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) September 21, 2022
When your kids get too old to bring home school fundraisers, the second half of your life begins.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 20, 2022
7YO: Can I get a snack?
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 22, 2022
Me: Are you feeling hungry?
7YO: You don’t need to be hungry to eat a cookie!
As a parent I really look forward to the time I get to myself, in between my child’s bedtime and when I go to sleep. All 7 minutes of it.
— Laura is sofa body ready (@ericamorecambe) September 21, 2022
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) September 13, 2022
I don’t know why they call it a geriatric pregnancy. It’s not like we pee our pants, wake up 40 times a night, wear our pajamas around all day and oh.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) September 19, 2022
My son is singing a song he made up called "Free the Nipples" because he doesn't want to wear a shirt and I don't think I'm mature enough to be a parent right now
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 19, 2022
I suffer from a form of mild cognitive impairment called "motherhood."
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 19, 2022
My kid just turned 4 so I keep telling her things like: 4 year olds always clean up their toys after their done playing, and 4 year olds always eat everything on their plate…so far it’s working but I suspect my time is limited
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 19, 2022
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 22, 2022
Nothing is sacred.
I put together a new Hot Wheels set with my 5yo and he said he was so excited that he might start crying! It was so cute that he thought it was for him.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 22, 2022
My kid sure has a lot of opinions about string cheese for someone who’s only been around for 4 years
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 20, 2022
My 6-year-old: What's the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 22, 2022
Me: When a barracuda is near, you'll hear a guitar riff. When it's a shark, you'll hear a tuba.
I typed my symptoms into DadMD and it said, “You’ll live.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 21, 2022
5 during the queen’s funeral:
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 19, 2022
I can’t wait to marry Prince George and be queen of the world
When do they all have lunch
I wonder if they keep snacks in those big furry hats
When I’m queen I’ll tell my servants to bring me a cheese bagel
Mummy can you bring me a cheese bagel
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) September 22, 2022