Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 27, 2022
Every time I think I'm childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, 'LEVEL UP!'
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) September 27, 2022
I hope my friends don’t find out I own a jacket.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2022
-Middle Schoolers
My 5yo asked me if Susanna is a country. I told her no. I told her it's a name. She asked if it's a name for goats. I really don't know where this conversation is going.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 28, 2022
My 5yo told me that the baby was really annoying him and I assured him that they get more annoying as they get older
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 28, 2022
The best 20 minutes of my day are when my toddler has pooped but wants to try and keep it a secret so I won’t change his diaper and suddenly is able to play quietly by himself without me.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 27, 2022
We just got home and my 4yo just tossed his backpack and cup down in the floor, flopped on the couch, turned on Bluey and said “whew… what a day.”
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) September 27, 2022
Same, little buddy. Same.
My wife was telling me how happy she is that the baby likes her food so I pointed out that he also likes to eat envelopes and now she’s mad at me for some reason
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) September 26, 2022
If you are a mom it means sometimes you feel bad about throwing away sticks. This is your life now.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) September 28, 2022
My 4yo said a ghost doesn't have a butt, they have a booo-ty so looks like he's getting a jump on everyone else with his Halloween joke material.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 27, 2022
I took a picture of a kid's chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, "I have a skeleton."
— NJ Gallegos 💉💊🏳️🌈🌊🇺🇦 (@DrSpooky_ER) September 28, 2022
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it's not 13, 9 and 7.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 27, 2022
Told my toddler she can't say fuck anymore so now she says "what the cocomelon" and honestly that should catch on
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) September 28, 2022
Grew up listening to Indian mythology. Stories full of demons, death and destruction, and here I’m protecting my 7YO from Peppa Pig
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 26, 2022
I excitedly told my kids they were getting cold leftover pizza in their lunchboxes and the look of disgust on their faces told me I had failed at parenting somewhere along the way
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 26, 2022
My kid said her friend’s mom is having surgery because ‘her boobs are too big for her back’ so I will now only be accepting kid explanations for medical procedures.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) September 28, 2022
My 5 year old thinks that vaginas are better than penises because vagina rhymes with more words, this is not how I expected this conversation to go
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 29, 2022
Now that my baby knows how to say "No," it's over for you bitches*
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) September 21, 2022
*It's me. I'm "you bitches"
Kids be like, We interrupt your sleep to bring you this important message: “My blanket fell off.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2022
Nothing about parenting has prepared me for the moment my 5yo said his favourite song was Who Let The Dogs Out
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 25, 2022
My teen just let me know he’s never speaking to me again. Strangely enough though, a blocked number keeps texting to ask what’s for dinner
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 28, 2022
Being a parent is wild because sometimes your kid has an insane idea like "let's move to Australia and rescue Koalas" and you'll be like "YES!"
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 25, 2022
You know you’re getting old when your kids start referring to every old person they know as “about your age”
— Momma G (@TheOnlyMommaG) September 27, 2022