Kids may say the silliest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022
[Diner]
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) October 12, 2022
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
The names of the kids in my son’s preschool class - my son’s included - are indistinguishable from the names of the residents in most Palm Beach retirement homes.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 12, 2022
As I apply for Parent of the Year, I would like to share that I told everyone that my 6 year old was 7 for like a week until she finally corrected me, and then I called her by the dog’s name twice.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 10, 2022
I would like my prize in small bills pls
Good news: It seems like 3yo’s favorite song is no longer Cotton Eyed Joe.
— MikeUnderscoreDadJokes (@correspundit) October 10, 2022
Bad news: Now it’s the Ghostbusters theme song.
People will tell you that childbirth is the most painful thing you can experience but after watching my toddler try to pick up peas with a fork I'm not so sure
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) October 11, 2022
Dudes watching each other to see who mows their lawn last before winter is the neighbor dad version of Survivor.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 11, 2022
ya, school photographer. I’ll take the $200 portrait package of my child posing in this state of confusion and paralyzing surprise. Do you take Discover?
— LibertyLayne (@LibertyLayne01) October 10, 2022
In my will I’m leaving my kids an elaborate treasure map to a buried fortune. Once they finally locate and open it, it’s just going to be filled with everything they made me out of sticks and cardboard in elementary school
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 11, 2022
my 9 and 7 yo each had a friend sleep over this weekend. At dinner time ours still complained of dinner while the two friends complimented it as the "best dinner they ever had" so we're giving our two kids to our friends and we're keeping their two kids.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 10, 2022
*daughter asking for 500 toys at the store*
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2022
Me: sorry, too expensive
Daughter: can’t you get more money??
“Sit still you animals !” My wife yells at the kids just before she posts the photo she took of them on Facebook captioned “My World”.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 12, 2022
Wish I was rich enough to hire someone to read the school emails so I could focus on being a parent
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 10, 2022
I wish my co-workers without kids had a sense of what it’s like trying to work from home while your kid is dumping mountains of Lego into various plastic containers directly behind you. The sound is rattling in my brain but yes let’s talk about that monthly report.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 10, 2022
6yo: I love you
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 9, 2022
Me: I love you too!
6yo: I wasn’t talking to you I was talking to my donut
My daughter is "OMG! Why won't you let me live my life" years old.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 11, 2022
What I say: Stay out of trouble for 10 minutes while I shower.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) October 10, 2022
What my kid hears: Investigate the crawl space to see if all the houses in the cul-de-sac are connected.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 12, 2022
Teens are great because they remind you to take some time each day to hate something
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 11, 2022
My 6yo: There's no school on Friday because it's a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 13, 2022
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that's what.
My 6yo just told me he's 1000 years old and not really human. This is fine.
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 9, 2022
Took our 3 kids to a space museum today. Although it cost a lot, it was worth it to see their faces be amazed at the infinite wonders of the child play area at the back
— three time dad 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) October 9, 2022
A haunted house but it’s just my toddler following me around saying “I can do it myself” over and over
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 10, 2022
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 11, 2022
Me: It’s 6 am.