Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 17, 2022
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 17, 2022
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Heard my boyfriend in the other room say YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT and it turns out that my kid and his friend accepted balloons from a clown on the street
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) October 15, 2022
my 6yo and i witnessed people fighting at the store and she looks over at me at goes “this is the last time i come to earth”
— oasisofserenity 𓂀 (@yearofthepoets) October 20, 2022
My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) October 21, 2022
You know how there’s always that one coworker who doesn’t stop talking and won’t let you get any work done? That’s basically what it’s like having a kid.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 17, 2022
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
— Jennay Gump 🦐 🍫 👟 (@jovialjennay) October 17, 2022
Dads love saying, “this is the warmest it will be for the next few days” as a cold front moves in.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2022
My 8 year old brought a whistle home for his 6 year old sister so he’s grounded in a room with her until college.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 19, 2022
First rule of maintaining a healthy marriage while parenting an infant is nothing that’s said between 1:00am and 5:00am can be held against you
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) October 19, 2022
My 9 yo just came downstairs and said he and his 7yo brother were playing a game they called doggy style.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 18, 2022
They were dressing up our dog in different clothes. I almost died.
In case you ever wondered about the joys of parenting, my child just requested chicken nuggets, but with no chicken in them. “you can just take the chicken out”
— mom🦇mom🎃mom👻mom💀mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 18, 2022
One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩
— Kira J (@IamKiraJ) October 20, 2022
kids at bedtime are like raccoons on cocaine and in the morning sloths on melatonin
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 13, 2022
It’s amusing that my husband doesn’t want me touching his new MacBook Pro because he thinks I’ll drop it, but he’s totally cool with me picking up our kids.
— Killer Candy Corn 👻🎃 (@sixfootcandy) October 19, 2022
I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they're tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they're going to survive in college.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 17, 2022
We hit many milestones as parents. Personally, I’m looking forward to the “we no longer need and entire cabinet of sippy cups, tops and straws” phase.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) October 19, 2022
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then my wife will be so proud of our son for dropping the F-bomb at kindergarten today
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 19, 2022
My 2yo discovered pockets and is now competing with the squirrels to store more acorns before winter. I think he may win.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) October 20, 2022
Well, I’m in the audience of a 6th grade orchestra concert, so technically I’m “fine,” but spiritually I’m on the edge of sanity.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 19, 2022
My 6yo, Monday-Friday: [wakes up late]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 16, 2022
My 6yo, 5:30am on Sunday: pic.twitter.com/mJ7vPJmOOD
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 16, 2022
I’m Mom. You might remember me from such hits as “Wear whatever you want” and its sequel “No, not that.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2022
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 18, 2022
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I feverishly cleaned my whole house today because I don't want to be judged by a 7 year old that's coming over for a playdate with my daughter.
— The Cisco Kid Er (@TheCiscoKidder) October 20, 2022
6: is that a mosquito bite on your face?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 17, 2022
me: no it’s a zit, you might get them when you’re a teenager
6: but why do you have one you’re old?
me: the world is a cruel, cruel place
Me as a new parent: what the fuck
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 20, 2022
Me as a seasoned parent: what the fuck