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Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
My kid just learned “uh oh spaghettios” but he keeps forgetting and is yelling “oh no noodles” instead
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 1, 2022
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2022
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
10-year-old: Can I go over to my friend's house?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2022
Me: Yes.
10: Can she come over here?
Me: No.
10: How is that different?
Me: Addition versus subtraction.
My 5yo asked if I knew that “butter has butt in it”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 30, 2022
When I die, take my corpse back to where they held the last PTA meeting, so the soul that was sucked out of me can reenter my body.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) November 3, 2022
The thing about being a first-time parent is you suddenly realize you make the rules of the house? Your toddler will be like "lets throw a ball" and you're like "oh I don't think we are allowed to do that inside?" and they're like "we aren't?" and you're like "I should find out."
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 4, 2022
“Daddy, come over to my trap,” -3yo, having not yet mastered the concept of traps
— MikeUnderscoreDadJokes (@correspundit) November 1, 2022
Parenthood is mostly thinking, "I know my kid is supposed to be smart but seriously what the fuck?"
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 3, 2022
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, "time to make some money!" Apparently he's selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren't allowed to have candy at home.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 3, 2022
Playing cards with a friend’s 4-year-old. The rules are that we take turns putting cards on the pile until she declares she wins. Tbh the rules of this game are about my speed pic.twitter.com/NCO9VPvJEg
— Jen Fulwiler is on tour (@jenfulwiler) October 30, 2022
Our youngest made her own grilled cheese and, long story short, did you know that bread is flammable?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 1, 2022
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2022
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 1, 2022
Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 31, 2022
It’s so rude of my wife to not clip my 7YOs nails, which have scratched both of us
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 2, 2022
I was driving with my son when he asked me about the meaning of a bumper sticker that said, "If you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair" and WTF?! Why wasn't he looking at his phone like a normal teen?!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) November 2, 2022
My kid didn’t even come close to meeting her Reese’s quota, so I’m sending her back out tonight. Do better.
— Luke+ (@lukeplusone) November 1, 2022
Having kids is great because instead of cracking open a beer and watching TV to decompress after work, you can re-learn basic math and wash school cafeteria mashed potatoes out of a trombone.
— The Dad (@thedad) November 3, 2022
I wish my kids gave me the respect that they give their stuffed animals.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 29, 2022
Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, “ok, sweetie,” and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 31, 2022
my kid from the top of the stairs in the morning: everything the light touches is my kingdom
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) November 2, 2022
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) November 1, 2022