Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting during the holidays is just a mix of threatening to call Santa while simultaneously trying to give your kids the best Christmas ever
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 16, 2022
Decided to liven up the scrambled eggs this morning by adding a little spinach. Follow me for more tips on how to ruin an 8yo’s life.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 12, 2022
as i was scrolling black friday toy deals my six year old gasped at the prices, and promptly informed me she needed to lose more teeth
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 15, 2022
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) November 14, 2022
I don’t know if this is good parenting but we used Taco Bell to get our 3yo on a more convenient pooping schedule
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) November 17, 2022
Hello. Young kids back in school are so sick right now. Everyone with a preschooler has an entire household of sleepless viral cough snot fevers for the past two months without a fucking break. So if you know a parent going through this, be kind and gently hit them with your car.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) November 17, 2022
It’s New York spirit day at school. I suggested Statue of Liberty. She wanted rats. Thanks for all the advice on this top secret project, friends! pic.twitter.com/5x4LVF5dVF
— Lindsey Boylan (@LindseyBoylan) November 17, 2022
My daughter’s still getting to grips with the ‘Would You Rather..?’ game. Today she asked me if I’d like to be eaten by a shark or have lovely dinners every day.
— Dad Of Three (@DadOfThreeBlogs) November 16, 2022
Me, settling down and getting cozy in my bed to finally lie down and rest after a long day.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 14, 2022
My unborn baby, eying my bladder from the inside: Shame if someone were to…stomp on this right now.
My toddler is pretending to cook a meal and it involves a lot of screaming and throwing food in a pot. She gets it.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 16, 2022
My 5yo listens to lullaby versions of classic rock music to relax at bedtime and I’d like to think that one day when he grows up he’ll be in a grocery store, hear a familiar tune playing, and realize that he used to fall asleep listening to Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) November 16, 2022
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 16, 2022
So annoying when she does this every week.
My 5yo is at school and I'm babysitting her babies. I was looking through the diaper bag she left me and all she packed was a corn, and 2 butterflies. What am I supposed to do with this?
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 14, 2022
12 is a wild age. My daughter will spend 15 minutes getting the part in her hair just right because “everyone will notice it” and then coordinate an outing where she and her friends all wear onesie pajamas and roller skates.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 14, 2022
Welcome to parenthood. Your kids being too loud makes you crazy, but your kids being too silent makes you scared.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 17, 2022
My 15yo convinced my 11yo to watch The Fly with him. Apparently she loved it so much she wrote a review. pic.twitter.com/nWQTMtL5gK
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 12, 2022
Principal: Your child was bitten on the neck today and we aren’t sure by who
— kidversations (@kidversations_) November 16, 2022
Me: *adds garlic to shopping list
5: Mommy what do you wish for while pooping?
— 🤷🏼♀️Mommeh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) November 15, 2022
Me: I didn’t know that was an option!
Teens be like: Mom I don't need your help, I know what I'm doing!... [5 mins later] Are you seriously not going to help me?!
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) November 14, 2022
we heard a loud beep in McDonald's and my daughter asked if it was their ice cream machine flatlining
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) November 15, 2022
wife: we're going to have fun doing this family activity and making memories today
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 17, 2022
our kids: the hell we are.
Took my kids to a hay maze and they found their way out so I had to take them home, you win some you lose some
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 14, 2022
4, to the dog: Sorry you can’t come to my school with me. You would bark too much and the kids wouldn’t be able to hear the teacher.
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) November 17, 2022
4, to me: You can’t come either, Mama. You talk too much.
Joke my 7yo made up:
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 13, 2022
"What do you call people who don't like escalators?"
"Esca-haters"
She is now running this social media account.
Miss 9 is having a Dickensian phase.
— Laura is sofa body ready (@ericamorecambe) November 15, 2022
Other children: What are you doing?
My child [throwing hands up dramatically]: What are my eyes experiencing?
The baby has been playing with an empty bottle for 20 mins as her $200 toy someone gave her remains untouched yet again
— Trey (@treydayway) November 15, 2022
Me: Go back to bed, school was cancelled because of icy road conditions.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 16, 2022
Kids: Then why are you leaving?
Me: Work doesn't care if you die.
My 4yo woke up crying and as I comfort her she screeches "I WANT A BANANA" looks around confused then says "tickle my forehead" and that's parenting all summed up
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) November 15, 2022