Kids may say the silliest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
My twins got a “goodbye book” from their nursery school because it’s their last day and all the other kids wrote them messages and one girl just wrote “I’m scared and I’m crying”
— Alena Smith (@internetalena) December 15, 2022
My son just turned 3 so we went to his yearly check up and the Doctor asked him what his favorite fruit was and he looked that man dead in his eyes and said cheese.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) December 14, 2022
Being a parent is restraining yourself from asking your kid what the fuck are you talking about?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 15, 2022
My 7yo asked Tessa’s parents if they drive dead people around. I googled juvenile psychopathy, my husband interrogated our kid.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 11, 2022
It was a station wagon. She thought station wagons were hearses.
‘I better not shout, I better not cry,’ I quietly sing to myself as tuck my kid back into bed for the 87th time.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 16, 2022
I took the kids out for the day so my husband could relax and apparently my husband’s interpretation of relaxing is relaxing and not doing 16 loads of laundry.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 14, 2022
My kids mispronouncing Michael Bublé is my new favorite holiday tradition.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 14, 2022
Pregnant people past week 30 should all be sent to a warm seaside or desert retreat like a rich Victorian woman recovering from mania, where someone brings them ice water with lemon and trays of snacks for the remaining months of their pregnancy, retweet if you agree.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 14, 2022
My kids just discovered they can watch YouTube on the hotel tv, so this vacation is over
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 10, 2022
One way to get coworkers to back off is to pull out your phone and say “here let me show you my 7YO doing a left handed cartwheel”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 14, 2022
My son made a menorah in preschool and the level of care and craftsmanship he put into it is frankly antisemitic.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 16, 2022
Finished the wrapping paper and immediately challenged my kid to a sword fight with the spent tube because I’m a dad and that’s just how we roll.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 11, 2022
my son just referred to a house phone as a ring-a-ling phone and im officially calling them that now
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 13, 2022
Just asked a rival dad why there was so much room between his ceiling and the top of his Christmas tree.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 14, 2022
Have you ever been shopping without your kid and someone's child in the store starts whining to their mother and you breathe a sigh of relief because that could have been you?
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) December 13, 2022
My 2yo got a kazoo in his goodie bag from a friend’s birthday. A KAZOO. 🤦🏻♀️
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) December 10, 2022
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) December 14, 2022
15- I can’t wait to be an adult so I can just do whatever I want all day
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 12, 2022
Me- *just returning from grocery shopping and on my way to the third school pickup line today* Yes, it’s simply magical
My 5yo asked for hot sauce on his dinner. Let’s see how this plays out.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) December 13, 2022
7YO: daddy if you could be any kitchen utensil what would you be?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 11, 2022
ME: a knife, because i’m sharp
7: *without missing a beat* and because you always cut the cheese
[this must’ve been how beethoven’s dad felt the first time he heard him play piano]
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) December 12, 2022
5yo: mommy can you make me a bald egg?
— Princess | Sleep & Wellness (@themultiplemom) December 15, 2022
me: are you talking about a BOILED egg.
him: the hard egg with no skin and hair.
I laughed so hard the other day I ended up having to change my pants. Now when my toddler pees through a diaper my 4yo comforts him by telling him, ‘it’s okay, mommy does it too.’
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 13, 2022