The women of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
the 100 mg edible hit right as i arrived to the movie theater yesterday. asked the concession stand if they had any recommendations
— corie (@corietjohnson) December 10, 2022
Not the Dior advent calendar having a candle in one box then the lid to the candles in another????😭
— fragrance and foolishness (@Brieyonce) December 11, 2022
yelling “fire” in a crowded theatre: frightening, illegal
— sam i am 🌈 (@hisamwelch) December 15, 2022
yelling “movie” in a crowded firehouse: fun, exciting, what are you guys gonna watch
I have defended Meghan Markle but she went TOO FAR when she referred to “The Princess Diaries” (2001) as “that old movie” and not “a timeless cinematic classic.” pic.twitter.com/bRTMl56Bhe
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) December 10, 2022
Just got a package. My husband, a freelancer, sent himself a box of Harry & David pears with an encouraging note for the holidays.
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) December 10, 2022
I got so drunk at the club I spontaneously decided to pay off all my credit cards
— HELLOTEFI 🕊 (@hellotefi) December 11, 2022
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
— Stacy's Dark Queery Tales (@DarkLiterata) December 13, 2022
Bro, just come skiing with me. Lift tickets cost $150 per day and you can rent skis for another $50 and you can get a lesson for another $120. It’s so fun and your risk of injury is so high. C’mon bro, you won’t feel your hands & you’ll get sunburn on your face. Bro.
— Jaclyn A. Siegel, PhD (@jacasiegel) December 13, 2022
this is a real menorah currently being sold at Target……….I am WHEEZING pic.twitter.com/op9LMoCcfy
— julia reinstein 🚡 (@juliareinstein) December 15, 2022
“You’re the only man I can depend on” is a sentence I just said out loud to my dog
— Nicole Byer (@nicolebyer) December 15, 2022
by age 28 u should have at least one senior citizen friend who’s not related to u
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) December 11, 2022
Scrolling through Venmo looking at all the couples that charge each other money
— ˚✧benjamjn (@kylie_gender) December 12, 2022
Kids these days don’t know the magic of listening to local radio to find out if your school was closed because of snow
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) December 11, 2022
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: pic.twitter.com/zDjGwrKlrh
— Mona (@RealMona_) December 10, 2022
Every time I date a guy I end up accidentally giving my friends a new enemy
— bitsy von muffling (@DoctorPissPants) December 14, 2022
The older I get the more I require out of my nightstand
— (((Robby Hoffman))) (@iAmRobbyHoffman) December 15, 2022
APPARENTLY my dad (chocolate enjoyer) went in my room while i was gone and decided to eat enough of my shroom chocolate for 3 PEOPLE thinking it was regular chocolate then proceeded to go about his day. needless to say he had the worst day of his life.
— 🎀 dove 🎀 (@lovedoveclarke) December 13, 2022
i dont like when people have tall grandmas
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) December 14, 2022
Thinking about this moment from a global perspective is so funny because like to the general public Hannah Montana was just… revealing she is actually brunette? Nobody knew who Miley Stewart was lol pic.twitter.com/ja3OjKEIJb
— Amanda Jacobsmeyer (@JacobsmeyerAJ) December 10, 2022
The man doing my nails keeps saying “ta da!” after each step of the process and it’s making me so happy I feel like a baby playing peek a boo
— raina (@quakerraina) December 10, 2022
The first person to ever boo had so much hate in their heart. I could only wish to be that hateful one day
— where are the visuals (@dom__dotty) December 13, 2022
I got an angry end-of-the-year HR email about blowing off all my employee training, which would usually make me feel a little guilty except I quit my job in June and apparently no one in HR noticed???
— alexis nedd 🎮 💙 (@alexisthenedd) December 14, 2022
In high school I asked my French teacher. What is the word for a Bigfoot type cryptid was in French and she very quickly said, “the French have no concept of this.”
— Danya™ (@fineanddanya) December 15, 2022
Wow so that’s what happened to him pic.twitter.com/UGjbQuwXSj
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 15, 2022
she’ll text you back bro, she’s just screenshotting your message and sending it to a 10-person group chat with the caption “oof”
— trash jones (@jzux) December 14, 2022
the real plot twist of the white lotus was the two yale grads making it through the whole series before mentioning that they went to yale
— Nancy Coleman (@nancylcoleman) December 12, 2022
doctor: this is a real medical malady
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 12, 2022
me, dying: surely you mean medical [tips hat] m'lady
My parents and I live in the same city and hire the same cleaning person and this morning she told me that my dog understands Spanish but my parents' dog does not.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) December 15, 2022
omg i clicked on emratas story thinking it was a boy i like (his story was next to hers) and i thought he was having dinner with her im crying my stomach dropped
— matt dillons biggest fan (@25lambs) December 12, 2022
who wanna go christmas caroling ? we singing cellophane by fka twigs
— ? (@aliyahInterlude) December 14, 2022
there’s no law against someone you hooked up with on and off for six months getting engaged to someone else four years after you guys ended things, but maybe there should be. maybe there should be.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) December 11, 2022
I'm truly gutted after receiving devastating news today.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 15, 2022
It's been 7 years since my double mastectomy and today I met with my plastic surgeon about breast reconstruction. He gave me the awful news that he cannot make my boobs emit a clown horn sound when they’re squeezed.
Very weird that HBO has pivoted from making television to pissing people off
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) December 12, 2022
You have to respect how for indoor cats, winter means the house temp dropping maybe 3 degrees and yet they’re like “well gotta go to my winter cave” and live in a pile of blankets in the closet until April.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 11, 2022
years ago now we were at a bookshop quiz & got the question: what are the final lines of Little Women? and my partner genuinely and with certainty said "and it was then they realised they were no longer little girls; they were little women" which is the Simpsons pisstake version
— Heather Parry (@HeatherParryUK) December 10, 2022
ur really gonna act like that? when santa claus is literally coming to town
— The Notorious J.O.V. (@whotfisjovana) December 15, 2022