Married life can be pretty predictable. It doesn’t matter where you live or who you’re married to, there are certain universal experiences partners seem to share, from the aggravation of cohabiting with someone who never puts away their clean laundry to the ongoing struggle of trying to share the covers in bed.
It may seem mundane at times, but it’s comforting to know we’re dealing with the same crap – and even better when we can find some humor in it all.
To that end, we’ve rounded up 35 hilarious and relatable tweets about married life from LGBTQ couples.
Tonight my husband and I swore one of the most solemn vows of our marriage and promised never to throw each other a surprise party.
— Alexander Chee (@alexanderchee) July 8, 2019
trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and he’ll STILL be like “wait who’s sarah”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 4, 2022
My wife came outside to tell me a funny thing she heard that I told her an hour ago.
— Aunt Chelle 🏳️🌈✊🏽☕️ (@ravenswng_) June 13, 2020
I'm pretty sure today is my wedding anniversary, but not like 100% sure.
— Uncle Jeff🌈 (@PickleRudd) June 9, 2021
Thank God I married a man so no one really cares.
“Judy Garland is Liza Minnelli’s mom?” -my husband who apparently isn’t gay.
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) May 27, 2022
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald's at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 2, 2020
Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you and play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) May 12, 2022
my wife just sang the animal crossing theme song during foreplay so
— niki ang (@nicolaang) April 8, 2020
that’s where we’re at.
My wife must be so annoyed when I tell her I don’t want to watch another episode of our show because I want to “read in bed” and then end up texting her videos of baby burrowing owls all night instead
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) July 9, 2022
Thing I actually texted my husband this morning:
— Ari Shapiro (@arishapiro) September 22, 2021
"Could you please quiet your dog I'm trying to interview the NATO Secretary General"#wfh
Married life. pic.twitter.com/AOFxqhjGQt
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) July 24, 2022
I was at Lowe’s with my wife and said, “hold on, I just need to get some good caulk,” and that’s the last time I’ll say that sentence out loud ever again.
— Sarah Wood (@sarahwoodwriter) April 12, 2021
I let my wife know I’m mad at her by wearing outfits she doesn’t like.
— Eman El-husseini (@emanifique) November 12, 2018
My wife calls the bottom fridge drawer the Vegetable Hospice ... where all the veggies I buy go to die 🤦♀️
— TitsforTat 🏳️🌈 (@magicalchaos14) February 23, 2021
My wife is away for the weekend and I’m going to party* so hard
— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) April 8, 2022
*work on my sapphic Coyote Ugly book and actually fold the clean laundry
You know you’re a parent when after sex, the wife looks over and informs you that Buzz Lightyear just got the show of his lifetime.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 12, 2020
My wife is watching HGTV in the other room and just said, "Oh shiiiiiit" with such sincerity that I love her more.
— Sabrina Jalees (@SabrinaJalees) January 9, 2017
My husband is having "craft night" with my mother in a few hours and when I asked if I could come he paused and then said, gently, "we'd really rather you didn't."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 22, 2021
as someone who took her husband’s last name, I don’t recommend it. not for feminist reasons, but because sometimes I forget how to spell it
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 14, 2022
To my beautiful wife on our anniversary, I just want to say with all my heart… That there’s a huge pile of clothes on the floor of our room and I’d really appreciate it if you could put them away pic.twitter.com/MxNnLHyGLF
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) August 12, 2021
There was a bug in the bathroom earlier and my wife and daughter both demanded that I dispatch the bug, despite my loud protests that this was extremely transphobic. Reader, they did not buy a word of it.
— Lilah Sturges, Our Lady of Afternoon Naps (@LilahSturges) November 16, 2021
My wife, an Aquarius, was invited to the White House this week and when I asked her if she took any pictures she replied, “For what?”
— Chani Nicholas (@chaninicholas) March 20, 2022
being married has changed me in ways I could never have expected. for instance, now I know who Carrie Bradshaw is
— Basil Kreimendahl (@BKreimendahl) January 16, 2022
Not even mad anymore when straight people are like “oh my god my cousin’s dentist is gay, do you know them??” Because yes, I do.
— Caitlin J. Stout (@CaitlinJStout) April 16, 2022
We’re watching House Hunters and I was like “Aw this episode has lesbians” and my wife looked up at the TV and said “I went to Canada with her once.”
Being married to a woman is being low-level annoyed that she left her jeans on the floor of the bathroom all day, and then getting to bedtime and realising that they were your jeans all along.
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) December 21, 2021
Unsolicited marriage advice for the day:
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 9, 2020
Get your own comforter.
Fuck gender roles etc blah blah blah but I’m sitting here watching my more-masc-than-me wife put together outside furniture and it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen
— gabrielle korn (@Gabrielle_Korn) May 17, 2022
We went to a thrift store where they had a sign that said "one man's junk is another man's treasure," and I said to my husband "aww they're celebrating pride month."
— Uncle Jeff🌈 (@PickleRudd) June 17, 2022
My wife has taken to leaving the butter on the counter European-style and I just caught the cat LICKING THE BUTTER and it appears she’s been doing this for months and that we’ve been eating CAT-BUTTER please send help immediately
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) February 19, 2022
*delivery guy hands me enough food for 2 families*
— Jess Salomon (@jess_salomon) June 8, 2021
wife: oh wow I didn't mean to order so much.
narrator: she absolutely meant to order that much.
my wife: can we talk about something?
— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) March 14, 2022
me: what is it in regards to?
my wife: your coffee intake
me: no
gyn: you're married?
— Carli Segal (@carlisegal) July 19, 2022
me: yep!
gyn: what are you using for birth control?
me: lesbianism
gyn: ...oh, that's very effective!
I want all of my fellow creatives on here to know that if you make bad TV, don't worry.
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) July 22, 2022
My husband will find a way to watch it.
Marriage hack: Catch her eyes while she's showering. Wink. Say, "I got my eyes on you girl." Lick your lips. Clip your toe nails.
— Sabrina Jalees (@SabrinaJalees) March 6, 2015
My wife recently described my skin as “soft, like a buttery cloud, with marshmallow trees growing out of it and tiny fairies dancing among the marshmallows” which I take to mean fairly soft.
— Lilah Sturges, Our Lady of Afternoon Naps (@LilahSturges) November 23, 2021