Funny Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Life With Toddlers

Life with toddlers is a real rollercoaster – one moment they’re telling you they love you, the next they’re mooing at you as you step out of the shower.

Fast forward two hours and they’re prostrate on the floor, screaming at you because you wouldn’t let them lick your shoe.

While they can be pretty harsh sometimes – and totally unreasonable – their brutal honesty and innocent outlook on life often brings plenty of laughs to the table, too.

These tweets sum up just how chaotic life can be with young children – and while we do love a moan as parents, we also know we wouldn’t have it any other way.

1. Where did you hide the poo?!

I know there’s the famous sad story in three words, but I just heard a horror story from my toddler in six: “I pooped in a SECRET way!!!”
— Maureen McEly (@maureenmce) December 8, 2022

2. My child loves me... but also pizza.

toddler spontaneously snuggled up to me tonight and said "I love mommy!" 🥰

...and just now, mumbling in her sleep: "I loooove pizza"
— 🎄bosco🎄 (@selentelechia) November 22, 2022

3. Today in questions you never thought you’d ask yourself: Why is there a car under my back?

Our toddler, while extremely cute, is a trash sleeper. He's just not great at it. So he started sleeping with race cars to help him feel better. And the current car of choice is a large one that ends up under my back when he climbs into our bed. So now I need a new spine 😩
— Adam Cisroe Pearson🇺🇸 OTD, OTR/L (@DrAPearson) December 10, 2022

4. Hi sweetie. Please stop licking mummy’s face.

My toddler won’t stop licking my face and he thinks it’s hilarious. I just know I’m gonna end up with a cold in the next few days lmao
— S🎄 (@s_jxn_) December 13, 2022

5. This parent was probably quite relieved they didn’t get to see their toddler’s carol concert IRL.

Was sent a recording of my toddlers carol concert (no space in her nursery for parents to come and watch) and it’s literally the best thing ever- just a bunch of 3/4 year olds screaming FELIZ NAVIDAD like maniacs with no effort to make it sound like a song. 10/10
— Shannon ⚓️ (@Queen_Shannon) December 13, 2022

6. When your toddler is mad because they can’t do something (that also happens to be impossible)...

Reason 198,774 why my toddler is mad:

He can’t pick up the sunlight
— Twinstant Family | Lisa (@twinstantfamily) May 24, 2022

7. Get this toddler on The Apprentice.

I just asked my toddler if he would drink his milk this morning and he said only if I give him $5 for ice cream...
— LadyGrey 🇦🇲🇺🇦 (@TWLadyGrey) November 28, 2022

8. Out of the mouth of babes (and all that).

What’s it like having a toddler? I just told mine that I love him and he looked at me with disgust and said “Don’t talk while I’m eating.”
— Jess (@JessicaHalsell) November 23, 2022

9. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But with the word penis.

Instead of sleeping, my toddler is singing "penis penis penis" to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star and I have no joke to add to this, it's just happening
— InnerMomalogues 🏳️🌈♣️🍍🎃🍂 (@IMomalogues) December 1, 2022

10. This two-year-old ran the dishwasher undetected and empty for an entire hour.

Was watching tv, realized the dishwasher was on even though Id emptied it. Asked my husband why he ran it. He didn’t. THE TWO YEAR OLD RAN THE DISHWASHER UNDETECTED AND EMPTY for an entire hour. He’d been asking if he could run it for weeks. Guess he just saw his opportunity?
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 6, 2022

11. Imagine being demoted from Your Majesty to Mom Face. Cruel cruel world.

Yesterday my toddler called me Your Majesty, today she’s calling me Mom Face, I think I’m heading in the wrong direction
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 5, 2022

12. Does anyone else’s toddler run like this?

Does anyone else's toddler just randomly do the Naruto run even tho they've never seen Naruto?? The parenting books don't mention how to handle this?? Is Naruto endemic to toddlers?? Do they show it in the womb? Is my son Naruto??
— Daniel José Older (@djolder) December 10, 2022

13. Another reason why toddlers get mad: they can’t eat raw food.

Reasons my toddler is mad: I’m cooking his food before he eats it.
— Twinstant Family | Lisa (@twinstantfamily) November 19, 2021

14. This toddler wanted to go and buy some more milk for boobies. Then things got a bit dark.

My tiny toddler tyrant asked if we could go to the store and buy some more milk for my boobies and then we can slice them open and pour it in.
— themomessence (@themomessence) December 11, 2022

15. Why do all toddlers line up toys like this?

How my toddler lines up toys in the bath pic.twitter.com/T48vx4FsX2
— Mildly Interesting (@interest_mild) December 14, 2022

16. Who doesn’t love getting sick 17 times a month?

Me: “I have a lot of work tomorrow, gotta be heads down most of the day”
My toddler: pic.twitter.com/FD25JDH8Be
— Danielle Urban is bivalent boosted 💉 (@danisandy) December 12, 2022

17. This toddler requested their pear is cut into rectangles and nobody has time for this.

My toddler recently learned all about shapes and has started requesting that I cut his pear into rectangle slices so I guess this is the beginning of the end for me
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) December 6, 2022

18. Feelings = hurt.

Last night my toddler yelled at me before he went to bed then this morning he yelled at me when he woke up pic.twitter.com/RzAlqecpVr
— cakes (@kayemiranda) December 12, 2022

19. When you find out the nation’s favourite coffee chain doesn’t sell books.

Reasons why my toddler is mad at me:

Mom, you said we were going to buy books at @Starbucks

not @Starbucks (then realizing he calls it StarBOOKS)

It’s Starbucks not StarBOOKS!

Him:(stomping feet) it is Starbooks and we are buying books!

Now I’m the bad guy #parenting pic.twitter.com/tWXUiPA5hK
— Maya Claros (@justmeomaya) December 10, 2022

20. We’re just wondering why any parent would do this to themselves?

OH MY FUCKING GOD TRYING TO PACK/MOVE WITH 2 TODDLERS IS SO FUCKING FUN . WHY DOESNT EVERYONE DO THIS ???!!!!!
— ry (@Ryanne_Ashley26) December 13, 2022

21. WFH and looking after toddlers is a real hoot (said no one ever).

Shoutout to all parents who are trying to reply to emails this morning while on a Zoom call, while holding infant/toddlers who are sick with non-COVID fevers. You are not alone. #parenting #WorkinProgress
— Vernon Mitchell, Jr. (@vcmitchelljr) December 13, 2022

22. This tweet is perfection.

If you enjoy catering to the whims of someone who is illogical, insistent, and mostly incomprehensible, parenting a toddler is the perfect gig.
— Jess Hernandez BUY 1ST DAY OF UNICORN SCHOOL (@jhernandezbooks) December 11, 2022

23. Two going on... 42?

These toddlers are built differently with this gentle parenting. Today mine asked me asked if I could hand him a toy he couldn’t reach from car seat. I told him “I can’t rn, I’m driving”. He stared straight at me & calmly said “but you are at a red light”…… pic.twitter.com/oFZy0ZLDnF
— Lupita Aquino (@Lupita_Reads) December 7, 2022

24. Admittedly they can be cute.

It’s hilarious what toddlers bring home from daycare (when it’s not the latest respiratory virus.) Our little one’s new catch phrase is, “para! no me guuuuusta” which he yells full voice while thrusting out his hand in a stop ✋ sign directly in your face.
— Alex Hallowell (@alex_hallowell) December 14, 2022

25. But then in the next breath they can be stone cold.

My toddler ran across the room to me with her arms open, and at the last second stopped herself, shook her head and said “no” and walked back to her dad. Toddlers are cold. 😭😭
— Dr. Jena Doom (@thetruedrdoom) December 11, 2022

26. This toddler is going places. (Mainly the steakhouse next door.)

While leaving the grocery store, my toddler smelled food from the steakhouse next door and said, ‘that smells like it needs to be in my mouth.’ Who am I to argue with logic like that?
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 10, 2022

27. We’ll just leave this here...

Evie quote of the day:

"MOMMY COME HERE!"
*I run to bathroom*
"I pooped a snowman!!!!"

She had 3 little turds in a row that yes, resembled a snowman. #Parenting #Toddler
— Nicole Baumann (@nitchhole) December 6, 2022

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