Uncomfortable sex isn’t something we talk about regularly because, well, it’s just not a sexy topic. But a recent study of more than 8,000 women in the UK found one in 10 of us is experiencing painful sex – otherwise known as dyspareunia (also not sexy, medical naming people).
The study, published in the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, showed pain and discomfort is taking the fun out of sex for many women: 30.9% of women who experienced painful intercourse were dissatisfied with their sex life, compared to just 10.1% of women who didn’t report painful sex. So isn’t it about time we addressed the issue?
Durex’s latest ad, which asks “why do we still put up with uncomfortable sex?”, is a good place to start. But instead of simply covering up the problem with lube and hoping it goes away, we wanted to find out what causes painful sex in the first place and what this means for our health.
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“Pain during sex is quite common and can be caused by a variety of things”, Dr Vanessa Mackay, spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists tells HuffPost UK. This can range from pain during or after sex, either in the vagina or deeper in the pelvis.
The most common reasons for pain in the vagina, she says, include:
Vaginal Dryness
This can happen at any age and is often caused by a change in hormone levels, so is particularly common if you’re breastfeeding, going through the menopause or have changed your contraceptive pill. It can also be caused by lack of arousal or using perfumed soaps.
Lack of Sexual Arousal
This can happen for a whole host of reasons and is an individual experience – you might be tired, stressed or just not into it.
Vaginismus
This is when your vaginal muscles suddenly tighten when you try to insert something, whether that’s a penis, a finger or even a tampon. There’s no known cause, according to the NHS, but a medical professional can help by prescribing treatments such as mindfulness techniques to relax you, and pelvic floor exercises to help you gain control of the vaginal muscles.
Genital Irritation Or Allergy
This could be thrush or an STI – which may need treating with medication – or an allergy to a soap, latex condoms or lube used during sex, which can usually be solved by using alternative products.
Dr Mackay adds that, less commonly, pain felt inside the pelvis may also be the result of a condition such as pelvic inflammatory disease [an infection of the female upper genital tract], endometriosis, fibroids, irritable bowel syndrome, or constipation.
Speaking to a healthcare professional will help you figure out if you may be experiencing painful sex because of one of the above issues, says Dr Mackay. They can also then recommend the correct course of treatment.
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But health isn’t always the issue – some people experience painful sex because of psychological reasons. It could be a sign you’re not feeling ready, says Lucy Beresford, a psychotherapist who specialises in sex and relationships.
This may be due to a past bad experience or anxiety around a lack of prior experience. “In both of these cases, you can work through your own issues alone, or with a counsellor, to get to a better place about what you do with your own body,” she tells HuffPost UK.
Alternatively, the problem may stem from you being uncomfortable having sex with this particular person, perhaps due to lack of trust or being asked to do things that don’t appeal to you sexually. Choose a time – not while having sex – to talk to your partner about your issues to see if they understand and can be supportive, advises Beresford. “If you still feel uncertain, think about whether this is the right relationship for you.”
If you know for sure you want to have sex with this person again, there are some practical steps you can take to help yourself relax.
“Be adventurous and be playful,” says Beresford. “Use cushions to lift one of you up; experiment with different furniture or rooms, standing up in the shower as opposed to always doing it on a bed in the bedroom; use more lube than you think you need, and then a squirt more.
“And the best one of all is to abstain from the penetrative bit of sex for a few sessions, and focus instead on the foreplay so that when you next try it, you are unbelievably aroused.”