There are many ways that grandparents might overstep in the lives of their children and grandchildren – and it’s not usually out of malice.
Therapist Tina Chummun previously told HuffPost UK that in her experience, overstepping occurs in pretty much every aspect of a child’s upbringing – from daily routine and discipline to food choices, recreational activities, toys, schooling, and even friendships.
“When grandparents override parental authority, it can lead to frustration and resentment for parents, making them feel undermined in their role,” she said.
If you don’t step in and nip things in the bud, or at the very least lay down some boundaries, then things will stay the same – or get worse.
“In my experience, the impact of overstepping on family dynamics has been varied,” psychotherapist Sandhya Bhattacharya, who is a member of Counselling Directory, told HuffPost UK.
She suggested if a grandparent has ‘overstepped’ as far as their grandchildren are concerned, chances are that you will have experienced the ‘overstepping’ in other areas of your life, too.
What happens if you don’t speak up
Experts broadly agree that regular, open communication is key – and navigating these conversations requires a “balance of sensitivity, support, clarity and assertiveness”.
You should clearly outline what you need from your parents in their role as grandparents and where the boundaries lie. Stick to: what happened (how did they overstep?), why it’s a problem and what would be helpful in future.
There is a danger of things blowing up – and not just with your child’s grandparents – if you don’t speak up the first or second time you notice them overstepping.
The therapist said new parents in particular – who are already overwhelmed with the demands of a baby – might end up responding when it all “gets too much”.
“The result is a heightened conversation where both parties are hurt and distressed,” she said.
“At best, it can create some temporary distancing between the parents and grandparents. Depending on how the family manages difficulties, they may either talk or sweep the problem under the carpet, until the next event.”
It can help to have a calm conversation where you lay down some boundaries but also tell your parents how much they are appreciated and valued, which can help prevent defensiveness and resistance.
There is also a risk that one partner might struggle to speak out to the grandparents, which can then cause a rift in your own relationship.
“I have worked with many families where one partner felt unsupported because the other could not hold boundaries with their family,” said Bhattacharya.
“Sometimes, these feelings of hurt and isolation can carry on for years, until the couple begin to recognise the growing chasm between them.”
Ultimately it’s in everyone’s best interests to openly communicate so you can work past this bump in the road – and be prepared to have the conversation a few times until the information sinks in.
“Having a healthy relationship with one’s parents, grandparents, children, and grandchildren takes work. It requires mutual respect and understanding of the other’s perspective,” Bhattacharya said.
“When done well, an intergenerational family can be beneficial to everyone, especially the young children, who grow up with essential life skills, learning to navigate multiple relationships.”