When you’re on the cusp of giving birth, inevitably your mind will wander to those first few weeks after the delivery, when every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to come and visit your bundle of joy – and how you’ll squeeze everyone in.
For some parents, having visitors within a few days of giving birth can be hugely important – you want to show off your teeny bundle and could do with all the help you can get as far as the washing up is concerned.
But for others, it’s more important to have that space to bond with their baby and adjust to a new way of life – not to mention, physically recover – especially when some visitors expect to be waited on hand and foot.
Now, a first time mum has taken to Mumsnet to ask whether she’s being unreasonable for wanting her husband’s family to wait a little longer before visiting their new arrival.
The parent-to-be explained she’s due to have a C-section soon and had always thought she would like to have a two-week bubble with her baby and husband, “without extended visitors”.
Her reasoning for this, she explained, is that she feels anxious about how her recovery will be, breastfeeding and “just generally getting to grips with my brand new life”. Totally fair.
The mum-to-be, who shared her dilemma under the username inky1991, said her in-laws live a few hours away and want to come visit their new grandchild as soon as possible after the birth.
She explained her husband’s family – comprising of her husband’s mum, step-dad, dad, brother, brother’s girlfriend, sister, gran and grandad – want to visit about 10 days after birth, on a bank holiday weekend, as well as the following weekend.
“It’s a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for two long weekends in a row,” she wrote. “I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?”
She added her husband didn’t seem to understand her reservations – and said she was “ostracising” his family.
“I haven’t even said no,” she added. “I’ve just said I’m not too sure.”
She continued: “I just feel my hands are tied with it and can’t believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn’t defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass [sic] and I just have be completely ok with it.”
The topic of when family and friends can visit after having birth can be pretty contentious because everyone is different. And needless to say, the Mumsnet community had an array of thoughts on the topic – with the thread garnering over 350 comments.
“I think it’s a bit controlling not to let them pop in on the bank holiday,” said one commenter. “YABU [you are being unreasonable] I’m afraid.”
Another added: “Ridiculously unreasonable. It’s only on Mumsnet that you hear about new mothers wanting to be in a bubble excluding visitors.”
But lots of mums suggested she should only see people when she feels ready.
“I didn’t see anyone until I was ready. Your DH [dear husband] is being a dick,” said one person. “Stick to your guns @inky1991 and only do what suits you. You are the person giving birth, it’s up to you to say who and when.”
Most seemed to agree that if the family did visit, they should only be staying for an hour or two each day and that they could even split up visits, so there’s not an influx of people arriving at one time.
There were also plenty of people suggesting the new mum should be keeping her feet up – and even resting upstairs, away from family – with her husband doing the hosting.
One parent wrote: “You’re recovering from something major. Personally I didn’t want to see anyone for weeks after having my boys. I just wanted to be left alone to look after them and adjust.
“I think you need to talk to your DH [dear husband] some more and hopefully he’ll come round.”
Our two cents? You’re not being unreasonable for asking for time to recuperate after such a huge life event.