It will come as no surprise that a person’s sex life can change dramatically following the birth of a child.
But new research from Lovehoney has revealed exactly how many people are impacted, with almost half (49%) of mums reporting having less sex after children, and 29% stating their sex lives worsened postpartum.
The biggest factors contributing to this include: low libido (25%), body confidence struggles (20%) and physical recovery challenges (20%).
To help mothers navigate this period, the sexual wellness brand has launched the “Mama Sutra” – a free guide providing expert advice and research-backed insights to help parents navigate the realities of sex and relationships after childbirth.
“People don’t talk about intimacy as a mum enough – motherhood does not erase your sexuality,” said broadcaster Anna Whitehouse (aka Mother Pukka), who is an ambassador for the new campaign.
“But between the exhaustion, body changes, and low libido, sex can feel like an afterthought – or worse, a source of stress.”
Here, three mothers bare all about sex in pregnancy and beyond.
Pregnancy can prompt a shift in desire
While some might experience an increase in sex drive during pregnancy, others may see a dip in desire – and that’s totally normal.
Nell, who is 30 and pregnant with her second child, said she withdrew from sex during her first pregnancy. In fact, she and her husband had sex a handful of times over the 40-week period.
Morning sickness during the first trimester was the ultimate mood killer, and even when this began to ease off, sex was still the last thing on her mind.
“What I think happened with my first pregnancy is that it was completely all-consuming,” Nell told HuffPost UK.
And once she began to feel her baby move, “it was like another layer of obsession had been added”.
“Because of how engulfed in this I was, my husband did fall to the wayside a bit and I stopped wanting to be physically intimate with him,” she said.
Instead, they found other ways to stay connected: cuddling, bathing together, date nights. For those wanting to avoid penetrative sex or uncomfortable positions, Lovehoney’s guide recommends hand or foot massages and spooning, too.
Nell said her husband was “incredibly understanding and sympathetic” and communication was key during this time.
“It is a skill we’ve been working on particularly over the last few years,” she added, “so it made it a natural thing to do to tell him how I was feeling and keep him in the loop with everything”.
After their first baby was born, Nell said it took months for her to feel like she even wanted to have sex again.
“You only really hear about people waiting six weeks (as medically advised) to have sex after birth, or even that couples couldn’t wait that long – but that wasn’t my reality,” she said.
“It probably took closer to three months for me to feel like I wanted to have sex again after having my daughter. It felt like my body had a lot of healing to do (it did!) and at six weeks postpartum I just didn’t feel ready.
“The fact that we were also completely exhausted didn’t help, either!”
Nell also pointed to an unfair societal expectation on new and expectant mums to keep their relationships alive, while simultaneously trying to raise children.
“There is so much online and on social media about prioritising your partner – making sure you keep date nights in the diary and planning things to do, just the two of you,” she said.
But the mum said it felt like “a lot of pressure” to do this while trying to care for a tiny baby – “so my partner and I decided to take the pressure off”.
“We had (and continue to have) a pretty frank chat where ultimately, we decided that it was OK if our relationship took a bit of a back seat while we both came to terms with parenthood,” she added.
One in five mums report better sex after birth
While some parents reported less sex, Lovehoney’s research also found 22% of mums said they’re having better sex after birth, and 12% are having more sex since having kids.
For Essence, 26, sex and intimacy felt “more like an obligation than a connection” prior to becoming a mother. Shortly after her daughter was born she escaped a toxic relationship – and sex was “the last thing” on her mind.
Fast forward to now, a couple of years later, and Essence said motherhood has actually been something of an awakening for her.
“It’s a whole new world than what I knew before – your life changes, how you view the world changes,” she explained. “And how I saw myself certainly changed. It made me feel more secure in myself and my choices.”
While Lovehoney’s research found body confidence struggles are one of the biggest barriers to intimacy postpartum, Essence said motherhood actually made her love a lot of things about herself that she never did before.
“I saw my body in a new light, I embraced all the new lumps, bumps and curves it presented me with and I gave my body grace for all that it had been through,” she said.
Long after coming out as bisexual during her teen years, Essence said she has finally had the freedom to embrace her queerness in the past two years and has “been able to explore intimacy in a way that feels good”.
While sex once felt “transactional”, after becoming a mother she began to explore relationships with women and said she’s “continued to have experiences that feel more stimulating and fulfilling than anything I’d experienced with men”.
“I realised I really do have the power to live out my life any way I choose,” she added.
“I realised my happiness has a direct impact on the quality of my parenting and how much of myself I can pour in to my daughter and it gave me the confidence to seek out the experiences that would truly make me happy.”
Sex can change for the better, but it may take time
For Anna, 40, her relationship with sex has been complicated. The single mum said prior to having her son, who is now 16, sex was approached “from a place of low self-esteem”.
During every sexual encounter she would be drunk – a pattern that continued into her thirties. “I just wanted to be wanted,” she said. “I rarely put myself first or really believed I deserved to. I had no idea what I liked or wanted, only focusing on trying to make the guy happy.”
She said after she had slept with someone she would often feel “empty” and “like I’d given away a piece of myself that was never earned”.
When her mum died 11 years ago, Anna didn’t cope well. Propelled into the choppy waters of grief, she turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism and things spiralled. “I was severely depressed, sometimes suicidal, all while (somehow!) maintaining a happy healthy little boy,” she recalled.
After hitting rock bottom, she decided it was time to get sober. She attended AA meetings and realised she needed to “get rid of everything and everyone that wasn’t good for me”.
She focused solely on herself and her son. “No more drink. No more drugs. No more men. No more bingeing and stuffing my mind and body with anything that I hoped would give me even a minute’s happiness because all it ever brought was more guilt and shame,” she said.
She ended up being celibate for seven years, which wasn’t intentional, but turned out to be a really important step in her recovery and growth – “there was absolutely no contact with men, nothing physical, not even flirting,” she explained.
Now she is sober, healthy and no longer celibate. “But I am very selective who I give my time to, and even more so my body – which makes it all the more explosive and fulfilling when I do,” Anna said.
“I think sex is absolutely wonderful, and exploring and learning about my sexual side is a huge part of my personal journey of embodying who I am – who I always was but am now fully embracing, accepting and even celebrating.
“There’s so much more to it than just the physical act. For me it’s the mental and emotional connection with someone that is pinnacle.”
At 38, she had sober sex for the first time, which she said is “absolutely the best sex! I can not stress that enough”.
“Sex means a lot more to me now but I approach it from a place of full confidence and self-esteem,” she added. “I know who I am now, and I love myself fully.”