When her son was a baby, Molly* made friends with a group of mums whose children were the same age. One of them, she remembers, “was really outgoing and loud and was always trying to gather the group to go out partying at night. She was friendly and cool and definitely seemed like a fun mum friend to have.”
Parenting, especially when you’re spending all day with an infant or toddler, can be lonely and isolating. Most new parents are eager to meet others in the same situation, both to commiserate and to break up the monotony of their days. It helps to keep alive the identity you had as an individual adult before you became a primary caregiver.
But instead of sustaining you, some mum friends bring toxic energy to the relationship.
Molly’s new mum friend made her desire to party a priority and ended up destroying the dynamic of the whole group.
“She started mum-shaming those who didn’t want to go out and party at night. She made fun of me for not wanting to get drunk when I had an infant still feeding two times overnight,” says Molly.
In Molly’s case, the group of friends divided, and Molly lost touch with the toxic friend. Looking back, Molly feels disappointed because the two lived close to each other, and their children got along well. But Molly also wishes she had reached out to others and made friends who shared her priorities at that stage in her life.
“I wish I had joined a music class or some other group so that I could meet other mums,” Molly says.
Suchot Sunday, a business coach in Toronto, also had an experience being mum-shamed by a toxic friend.
“I took my daughter to a library programme with a mum friend and her daughter for story time,” says Sunday. When Sunday’s “high-energy, spirited” three-year-old struggled to sit still and listen, the mum friend “was very judgmental about how I should ‘make her sit and be quiet,’” she recalls. The friend also pointed out how well-behaved her own daughter was.
“We can all have off days where we say something we don’t intend,” explains Sunday. “But if it’s a pattern, that’s not someone I want in my life.”
How to know if the friendship is toxic
Other parents with children around the same age are perfectly positioned to empathise with your struggles and relieve some of the pressure and the self-doubt you may feel. But if they’re interested in building themselves up by tearing you down, take note.
“Toxicity might look like a friend who is always putting down your choices as a parent, asking questions about your child that imply there is something ‘less than’ about your child, or talking about your mothering choices to others in a derogatory way,” explains Suzanne Degges-White, a professor at Northern Illinois University and author of Toxic Friendships, tells HuffPost.
Other signs of a toxic friend are sharing with others something that you told them in confidence or minimising good things that happen to you.
If you find that you are hesitant to make plans to spend time with this person, or seem to be “forgetting” to return their text messages, it may be worth examining the dynamic of your friendship.
Spending time with a friend is supposed to leave you feeling better about yourself, not worse. You might even notice that your own behaviour is out-of-character or toxic.
“What we tend to see in toxic friendships is one person getting all their needs met and the other none,” Marisa D. Franco, a professor and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make―and Keep―Friends, tells HuffPost.
If time with this person leaves you feeling drained, or it seems like you’re always accommodating their needs when making plans, those are also warning signs. Franco describes this failure to recognise both people’s needs as “a breakdown in mutuality.”
When to repair and when to walk away
Everyone has their bad days and makes mistakes, and it’s all too easy to say the wrong thing when you’re exhausted and stressed out by the drudgery of child care. But toxic behaviour is a pattern, not a one-time slip-up.
In deciding whether or not you want to talk things through, Franco suggests that you “take a step back and look at the pros and cons of the friendship.”
Ask yourself if this is a person who generally has your best interests at heart and gives you things you need and value.
“Ask yourself, who are the people who leave you feeling uplifted instead of drained?”
Samantha Rodman-Whiten, a psychologist in Maryland who says she prefers to use the word “unhealthy” when talking about these types of friendships, tells HuffPost that “it’s a good idea to confront a friend if you have an issue with her behaviour – if you feel she has overstepped your boundaries, betrayed your trust or is unkind to you.”
Degges-White agrees that it makes sense to say something right away if you want to salvage the relationship.
“Sometimes, people don’t realise the consequences their actions have on others, and if it’s a friendship that feels like it’s worth saving, letting the other person know how you’re feeling or how you’re perceiving things can be the impetus for a ‘toxic friendship detox,’” she says.
You can set a boundary and see if your friend values the relationship enough to respect it. If they’re constantly criticising your parenting, for example, Franco suggests saying something like, “We don’t need advice in that regard.”
If you need to limit engagement with this person, they’ll probably get the hint from a few ignored texts or explanations that you’re busy or have other plans. But with mum friends, it’s likely that there is a group of you and you don’t want to cut yourself off from everyone. You might try, “I think I’m just going to have time to meet up as a group,” Franco suggests
“There’s sometimes a tightrope that needs to be walked if your kids are friends with their kids or your partner gets along with them or their partner. In that case, sometimes you need to have clear boundaries and engage only to the extent that is absolutely necessary,” says Degges-White.
Rodman Whiten says you might turn to what she calls the “grey rock method”: “Be boring and bland, and don’t give them drama to hook into and start conflict about.”
How to nurture strong friendships with other parents
If there is one person you need to distance yourself from, try not to let it affect your friendships with others in the group. At the same time, put more energy into positive relationships among other groups of friends.
Ask yourself, who are the people who leave you feeling uplifted instead of drained? Be proactive in building up those friendships.
“Don’t assume that friendship happens organically,” Franco says. “That’s associated with loneliness over time.”
She recommends that you “assume people like you and then initiate.” Gatherings that repeat over time, like a monthly coffee or playgroup, can help strengthen friendships.
“Women thrive when their friends bolster them up,” says Rodman Whiten.
“Finding a ‘tribe’ of other mums can be an emotional lifesaver for women who may feel out-of-step with their non-parenting friends,” says Degges-White.
With all the responsibilities that you’re juggling, it’s easy to let friendships slide down low on your list of priorities. But the benefit of these relationships is real.
Suniya S. Luthar, Ph.D., a professor and founder of AC Groups, has researched the impact of “authentic connection” groups for new mums. These supportive peer groups, which Luthar has run in health care institutions and other settings, have been found to have a significant impact on mums’ well-being.
“In our research, we have found that closeness with friends is significantly linked with many aspects of mothers’ well-being – even after considering the quality of their marriages,” Luthar tells HuffPost.
On measures of burnout, stress, depression and even blood levels of the stress hormone cortisol, women who received group support with other mums fared better than those who didn’t.
“Support in concrete forms like carpooling and pitching in for child care [is] helpful, but what really makes the difference is being able to say, ‘I feel seen and loved for the person I am at my core’ when you think about your friends,” says Luthar.
If the friends you have right now don’t reach that bar, it might be time to seek out others who do.
*Names have been changed to offer anonymity