The summer holidays are officially coming to a close and there’s one thing on every parent’s mind: how to make the return to school as fuss-free as possible.
Some kids will be eager to get back to class so they can spend time with their friends, while for others, the back to school vibes might not be so positive. In around 1-2% of kids this can end up as flat-out ‘school refusal’ – where they’re so anxious about going to school that they stay home.
For those who sit firmly in the middle camp – who aren’t feeling so jazzed about the big return after six weeks of fun – Dr Amanda Gummer, who’s worked as a psychologist in child development and play for over 20 years, recommends reframing the return in a positive way.
“I recommend parents or carers should start conversations with their children as soon as something appears out of the ordinary,” she tells HuffPost UK. “Always kick off a conversation with positivity rather than tacking a negative emotion head on.”
You could portray positivity about your own return to work in the hope that a little bit rubs off – so that could mean making comments like: ‘I’m so excited to be going back to work tomorrow as we’re kicking off a new product’ or ‘I’m looking forward to seeing my colleagues again.’
Or you could reframe the back to school chats in a way that’s more about seeing friends and socialising, rather than the work element. Dr Gummer suggests saying something along the lines of: ‘I bet your friends can’t wait to hear your stories about what you did this summer.’
For primary school-age children, including those starting school for the first time, the psychologist recommends having fun with the new routine of getting dressed in a new uniform, choosing stationery items or packing a new school bag.
It can also help to talk your child through the structure that is likely to take place during the day, so they don’t fear the unknown – for example, let them know who will be dropping them off, when lunch will be and where, what lessons they’ll be having and who will be picking them up and at what time.
“Talk about how you will spend the time at the end of the school day too,” suggests Dr Gummer, “maybe with their favourite family dinner after their first day back, or a play date with local friends at the end of the week.”
If your child is at secondary school and feeling pretty ‘meh’ about the return to school, remember that it’s totally normal to feel this way and, if anything, it’s probably best to normalise the feeling in discussions with them. Do you feel excited to get back to work after a holiday? Probably not. So why is school any different?
The process of normalisation may start with phrases of agreement, like ‘I would be stressed too if I were in your situation’ before moving towards reassurance, such as ‘these feelings are common’ and ‘every other child will be anxious about this, too’.
Talk about your own concerns and how you got through them, suggests Dr Gummer. You could chat about when you started a new job, for example, and discuss how you overcame your fears. “Explain it’s a natural emotion to feel apprehensive about a new work place or subjects to study and remember your child may be feeling anxious, not just about the new, but what also may not have changed,” she says.
“Show them you have confidence in them and talk to them about new travel routes to school or ask them to talk you through their new timetable.”
Of course, positivity is all well and good but sometimes being too positive can have the opposite effect – and veer into toxic positivity territory – so it’s about finding the balance.
“It’s really important to acknowledge their worries and anxieties, and not dismiss them, and actually the trick is to get the kids to think of something as a way of putting a positive spin on it,” says Dr Gummer. “So if your child is worried about making friends, it’s an opportunity to make new friends. Or if you didn’t like school last year, it’s a fresh start.
“It’s not about dismissing their fears, it’s about helping them find techniques to look on the bright side.”
If you’re still concerned and think there’s something a bit more serious underpinning their back-to-school worries, try to talk to your child and see if you can pinpoint exactly what it is that’s causing them concern.
Gosia Bowling, national lead for mental health at Nuffield Health, recommends gently introducing questions while engaging in other activities or games, rather than sitting down for a formal chat. “Listening is then key,” she says. “We often feel the need to interrogate or offer advice but remember to take a step back – this is their time to talk and our time to listen.”
You might discover that it’s just one element of school that can easily be sorted or changed. It might not be study-related, it could be something as simple as navigating their commute to school, how they take their lunch, or how their new uniform will fit.
“A small detail may have been brewing for several weeks over the summer break and has now built into something that has snowballed and is causing the anxiety,” Dr Gummer suggests. “Once you know what it is that is causing concern, it will be easier to work out a solution to resolve it, or work out a coping strategy or plan of support – and if you’re able to, then talk to other parents about how their children are feeling.”
There are plenty of actions you, as a parent, can take to alleviate worries. If your child is anxious about making new friends, you could encourage them to invite new ones over, or if you have a younger child, perhaps you could all meet together at a local park with the other parents. If it’s the break times or lunch options they’re concerned about then you could let them pick out their own food for the first weeks’ lunchboxes, or for older children let them have the freedom of ‘owning’ their own menu.
“It’s completely normal to feel some anxiety about a change to routine,” Dr Gummer concludes. “Try to stay positive and calm when discussing your child’s return to school and, where possible, avoid sharing your own anxieties with them.
“Children of course pick up on your emotions and this may affect how they feel themselves. You being confident and pragmatic about the transition to a new school or new year will help them to feel more at ease about their return and therefore more likely to talk to you about what is on their mind.”