2023 was supposed to be the happiest year of my life. On October 12th, my partner and I were meant to tie the knot and spend the rest of our lives together.
But in the early hours of January 1st, it became clear that nothing lasts forever.
After going to a New Year’s Eve party and seeing in the New Year with a kiss, I’d end the night by catching my fiancé performing a sex act on another man.
My life came to a halt when I saw my beloved cheating in front of my eyes. I ended up running out of my friend’s flat party into the middle of London in the early hours of the morning. As someone with a life of serious mental health issues, I contemplated suicide.
Luckily, as I wept in a random park, a stranger stumbled upon me and took me to their flat. This random act of kindness saved my life that night, and thanks to a viral tweet, I have since found my guardian angel and thanked him.
My parents drove all the way from Wales to collect me from London. We went to the hotel to get my belongings - only to find the love of my life with another naked man. Feeling completely broken, I sat silent in the back of the car for four hours and wondered what life would look like back in Wales.
Following several days of binge-drinking cheap wine from the local corner shop and crying to sad Adele songs, it dawned on me that my fiancé was never returning to my life and that I was once again single.
As an autistic person, I rely on a consistent routine to navigate daily life. And adjusting to life without my fiancé has been difficult. Throughout my three-and-a-half-year relationship, I relied heavily on my ex-partner and lost all my independent living skills. Plus, I piled on the weight in lockdown and no longer felt happy with my appearance.
With the encouragement of my family and friends, I eventually downloaded Tinder. Of course, I wasn’t ready to put myself out there and didn’t expect to attract any guys as I told myself I was fat and ugly.
To my surprise, men started to match with me on Tinder. While I wasn’t looking to rush into another relationship, getting messages from guys definitely helped improve my confidence. But there’s obviously a fine line between speaking to people online and meeting up in real life - especially when you’re autistic and struggle with social communication.
After a few weeks of chatting with a guy from Cardiff, it became clear that a date was on the cards. By this point, it was late January, and I was nowhere near confident enough to jump out of the safety net of the internet-based virtual world into a physical meeting. I hadn’t been on a date in over three years and was convinced they’d find me ugly in person.
Putting my self-doubt aside, I agreed to a date and met up with this guy in Cardiff. It took a few alcoholic drinks on the train journey to build up my confidence, and the date actually went well.
We ended up meeting for a second date on Valentine’s Day, and I thought it was a success. But it wasn’t to last: the next day, I was friend-zoned over WhatsApp. I felt deflated, and due to my anxiety disorder, I spent the next few days wondering if I had said or done something to offend him.
Once I got over this guy, I reluctantly went on a night out to the local gay bar with my friends. They thought it would be good for me to get out there and have a fun evening, rather than spending all day in bed. I was petrified – I hadn’t been to the gay bar since I broke up with my ex.
And this night out highlighted how autism detrimentally affects my dating life. My friends would signal when a guy seemed interested in me. But because I find it hard to socialise with strangers due to my autism, I couldn’t tell when someone was flirting with me. I certainly didn’t have the social skills to chat with them.
Whenever a guy came up to me, I moved to the other side of the nightclub and blanked him. I wasn’t being rude – I just didn’t know what to say to him. At this point, it felt like I’d never find another man.
Despite yet another setback in my complicated dating life, I began speaking to another guy on Tinder. It turned out he also worked in the media industry and only lived down the road. After a week of texting and phone calls, we agreed to go on a date.
I told him about my autism, and to my surprise, he said he understood the condition and asked if there was anything he could do to make our first date comfortable. Due to unforeseen circumstances, he cancelled our date and promised to reschedule. Over the coming days, he became distant with me. And when we did speak, he was very blunt.
Either way, we kept chatting. But with no date rescheduled, I was now very anxious and asked if he still wanted to meet. His response was, “Stop asking me 100 times.” This really shocked me as he claimed to understand autism but failed to understand that sounding repetitive (or, as I prefer to think, seeking reassurance) is a big part of the disorder. I explained this to him, and he never replied.
In other horror experiences, I’ve had two guys message me on Tinder to say I’m fat and should lose weight. These messages knocked my confidence, and I lost all faith in men. But it’s since dawned on me that this isn’t the right thinking – the reality is that not every man is nice and willing to understand me. However, that’s fine because they’re clearly not right for me.
I’m now speaking to a guy who isn’t fazed by my repetitive behaviour, shyness, or extra fat. Although I’m not sure what’s next in my love life, I can’t wait to meet and get to know him. Whatever the case, I’m starting to get my confidence back and am excited for the future – whether that’s as a taken or single man.