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Even though we won’t admit it, most of us want to spice up our sex lives in some sort of way. Maybe this means introducing toys to the bedroom. Perhaps you’d like to start doing role-play or try new positions. Whilst some people want to explore having sex with the same sex.
This week’s reader, Beth wants to explore her sexuality but there’s just one problem: she’s in a relationship.
She’s tried to explore her sexuality with him and by herself.
“I’ve thrown out there more kink suggestions or getting a sex therapist and he’s shot everything down. He’s set in his ways meaning he won’t change as he’s solid in who he is,” Beth shares.
Why are people often nervous to explore their sexuality, especially in relation to having sex with the same sex?
Alderson thinks the topic is complex and multifaceted.
“It depends on several factors, such as the individual’s personality, internaliSed beliefs, and societal factors,” she explains.
She believes it has a lot to do with the stigma associated with engaging in certain sexual activities, such as same-sex relationships. “Unfortunately, homophobia is still pervasive in many societies, and people can be afraid of the potential social repercussions which could arise if they admitted to having certain sexual desires,” Alderson adds.
Additionally, people may be nervous about exploring their sexuality as it involves stepping out of their comfort zone.
“Whenever we try something that is unfamiliar, it can be daunting because we might not know what to expect or how to act in certain situations,” Alderson says.
Should she explore having sex with women?
Ultimately the decision is up to Beth but she should weigh up how important exploring this side of her sexuality is to her and how it may impact her relationship.
“This might involve speaking to a trusted third party or engaging in self-reflection to help her better understand her feelings, values, and expectations. We all experience a whole host of desires every day, but we only pursue those that we think are right for us,” Alderson says.
She believes it sounds like her partner is open to her exploring other sides of her sexuality, even if it doesn’t involve him: “So if she feels that this is something she wants to pursue, the next step would be to have an honest conversation with her partner about her desires and whether he would be open to her exploring a relationship with another woman.”
Alderson continues: “If he’s supportive and understanding, then she can then choose whether to pursue it further. However, if he isn’t open to the idea, she then needs to decide what’s more important to her: her relationship or exploring her sexuality.”
What practical steps would you give this partner?
At this point in time, it’s important for both partners in the relationship to be open and honest about how they feel, their wants and needs, and their boundaries.
“Now isn’t the time to be shy and skirt around topics—they need to have a candid conversation about what exactly she is looking for and what it would involve from a practical standpoint,” Alderson says.
“One of the most important steps you can take in situations like this is to keep the lines of communication open,” she adds.
It’s hard to know exactly how you feel about a situation until you’ve actually experienced it, so regular check-ins are essential.
“It’s not a conversation you can just have and then forget about. If either of them decides that they don’t feel comfortable at any point, they need to be able to discuss it openly. Otherwise, the consequences could be damaging,” Alderson explains.
Additionally, both partners should define boundaries and expectations before exploring sex outside your relationship is essential.
“Talking through the practicalities of exploring sexuality can help both partners feel more secure and make it easier to discuss any worries or anxieties as they come up,” she adds.
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.