Infertility is difficult to grapple with at any time of year but like many other difficulties, it feels that little bit harder around the festive season. In fact, research from TFP Fertility has found that 93% of people trying to conceive fear being asked baby questions by family and friends during the festive season.
Additionally, 90% of people who are battling infertility find Christmas and New Year the hardest time of year to cope.
Speaking on her own struggles at Christmas, Louisa Sherlock, associate editor at NetMums said: “There were a couple of Christmases when I simply couldn’t face seeing anyone with a new baby. Instead, I made up excuses and spent much of December in tears.”
To help couples get through this time of year, HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with embryologist and fertility coach at Béa Fertility, Sandy Christiansen.
Christiansen offered advice on preparing for questions, always having an “out”, finding a way to reset high emotions and giving yourself the space to process everything once the dust has settled and festivities are done.
Advice from a fertility coach for couples struggling with infertility at Christmas
Your emotions are valid
Over Christmas, you might be spending time with friends or family members who are pregnant or have young children. If you want a baby in future, it’s natural to have mixed feelings about this. On one hand you’re happy for them. On the other hand, you might feel crushing disappointment or think that you’re falling behind. Does this frustration make you a bad person? Absolutely not.
It’s OK to want something someone else has. To really, deeply want it. We’re wired that way because competition is literally baked into evolution. It’s just hard to hold such a washing machine of emotions to be true all at once. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling all of them and more.
Prepare a response in case you’re asked about your family plans
Think “kind but firm”, and have one of these at the tip of your tongue soon after you step through the door at a family gathering.
“I know you probably want to ask me about baby plans. I understand where you’re coming from but sadly I’m just not there yet. Please respect my wish not to talk about it any further.”
“I’m aware that some people my age have kids already. I’ve thought carefully about it and I have my reasons for taking my time. I can share them with you if you’re interested, but I’m afraid it’s not open to debate.”
“I would appreciate it if we can leave the topic of me having kids off the table, so we can enjoy these few days together without any drama.”
Align with your partner beforehand, so you have an ally
If you have a partner, align with them beforehand about the information you do or don’t want to share with relatives about your fertility journey. Not everyone will know your situation and that’s totally fine. But you need to have someone you can talk with: that might be your partner, or you might confide in another member of your family, too. It’s perfectly fine to keep quiet about this stuff. Just take care not to become too isolated. Think about who you could turn to, whether a friend in the same boat, your partner, an online support group or a family member at that gathering who ‘gets it’.
Always have an “out”
For instance, plan to visit family for Christmas Day breakfast and presents and then leave, or only go for the evening. You don’t have to be there for the whole day. If you’re travelling further afield, you could book a hotel so you’ve got somewhere to retreat to. You could even get a fake call app to use in emergencies. You can literally press a button on your phone to make it ring so you can leave the room.
Find a way to reset high emotions
When you’re triggered at a social event, be mindful of what’s going on in your body. To reset high emotions, try running your hands under cold water or splashing your face (the temperature change gets you out of your head and it gives you a minute to pause too). Or press your feet into the floor. Or feel the weight of your bum on the chair.
You can also create a physical trigger for positive feelings, such as the five-finger relaxation technique. This may sound woo-woo but it works. In fact we’ve heard rumours that Microsoft execs are taught to use the technique to calm presentation nerves.
Map out what you’re doing next
If you know you’re going for hot chocolate or board games with your best friend straight after the family Christmas gathering, this can help you get through the hard times.
Give yourself space to process after Christmas
When you get back to ‘normal’ after the holidays, you can process the experience and the emotions. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to what this might look like. You might need to sit in a quiet room to think and hibernate. You might want to write everything down in a journal, or do something meditative like yoga or walking. You might find it useful to speak to a therapist or fertility coach. Do your best to keep the lines of communication open with your partner and a trusted loved one.
Finally, Christiansen urges couples to be kind to themselves after the festivities:
In the new year, you may be ready to think about what’s next on your fertility journey, but you might not. Don’t put any pressure on yourself, take things at your own pace and don’t do anything before you feel ready.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.