If you think being married to a sex therapist is all sex all the time, you’d be wrong. It’s just like being married to anyone else, albeit with more frank, open discussions about getting it on.
To find out what it’s really like being married to a sex-pert, we went straight to the source and asked their spouses. Below, sex therapists and their partners give us a glimpse into their marriage and their bedrooms.
Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles:
“My husband has always been supportive of my work, but he loves to make a joke about it every now and then. Being married to a sex therapist requires openness and a sense of humour, and I’m grateful he has both. People are always curious about our sex life; it doesn’t matter where we are, we know we are going to get a reaction followed by a lot of questions when we tell people what I do. We have fun with it, and my husband appreciates that I’m a sex enthusiast. He probably knows more about sex now than he ever wanted to.”
Her spouse, Raehan Qureshi:
“Things become much simpler. For one, having an argument or disagreement is not the end of the world because you’re aware that many couples deal with many, and in some cases, very serious issues. And what may be uncomfortable conversations for some are natural and casual for us. If I feel like vegging out and watching mindless TV in the other room without being disturbed, I can just say so without any reservations. And my wife can let me know if she doesn’t want to attend a holiday party with me. No hard feelings!”
Tammy Nelson, a New Haven, Connecticut-based sex therapist, sexologist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want:
“Being married to a sex therapist is, I imagine, a dream come true for my husband. I have tried out every single sexual exercise in my books on our intimate relationship. We have practiced all of the sex therapy interventions that I recommend to my patients. If it doesn’t work for us, I don’t tell other people to do it.”
Her spouse, Bruce Hirshfield:
“Being married to a sex therapist is a never-ending joy ride … for both of us. Would you expect anything else? When answering questions, especially from men, regarding the nature of her work, there’s the inevitable wide-eyed look of surprise that usually morphs into a jealous grin; there’s even been the occasional high five. But the dirty little secret is, I’m the one who satiates her needs, wants, desires and fantasies. While her being an expert brings an edge that some may characterise as taboo, it’s still being married to a therapist, which, in and of itself, also has its own set of challenges. As you would imagine, it requires a willingness for me to look at myself. And I try to constantly challenge her in similar fashion.”
Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles:
“My work helps me to be intentional about nurturing my intimate life, but it also allows me to appreciate all the things can go go wrong. Sometimes my husband jokes that I’m more excited about other people’s sex lives than I am my own, especially when I help a couple resume sexual relations after an extended break of years or decades. If things get boring at a cocktail party, my husband will call me over to share something interesting or new about my work as an icebreaker. He does all my PowerPoint slides for me when I teach, so he has gained a lot of factual knowledge about human sexuality, and sometimes he tries to slip it into a conversation to impress me. It is adorable!”
Her spouse, Michael Anderson:
“I am fascinated by the fact that my wife is a sex therapist. When we were first set up, the mutual friend asked if I had a problem with the fact that she was a sex therapist, and my initial response was that ‘I’ve never had any complaints!’ I am always intrigued by the stories she comes home with (no names, of course!) and the appropriate diagnoses she applies. My wife says that I am a clinician wannabe! Occasionally, I’ve felt that she is analysing me, because it’s hard to separate work life from home life, but she does a very good job of doing it. I think that she is relieved to come home to healthy sex. Oh, but if it were a bit more often.”
Megan Fleming, a New York City sex therapist and author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection:
“We started dating a year before I started my sex therapy training. We joke sometimes that after talking about sex all day, that’s the last thing on my mind. But seriously, I know and see every day the value of a healthy relationship, and sex is an integral part of that. We know firsthand that monogamy doesn’t have to equal monotony; the grass is greener where you water it. At this point, you could say we’ve become horticulturists.”
Her spouse, Dave Elliott:
“Some people would think that being married to a sex therapist means the sex and relationship are great all the time. What I’ve learned after 20 years together and raising two children is that nurturing relationships is a conscious decision that takes work. Rather than avoiding life’s challenges and rough patches, growing stronger as a couple is about learning to face them and work through them. Megan’s toolbox of tip and tricks as well as her treasure trove of stories about things that work and things that don’t work have helped me grow as a partner and has made our relationship stronger. She’s so passionate about getting people on the path to have the best sex and relationships possible, she can’t help but bring that energy home with her.”
Laurel Steinberg, a psychotherapist and sexologist in New York City:
“Sex therapists are sex-positive by nature and have an inherent enthusiasm when it comes to having and talking about sex. We know that sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, especially during tough times, and do our best to enjoy our partners in a healthy and pleasurable way.”
Her spouse, Russell Steinberg:
“Sex therapists are great at forming authentic, caring relationships and are excellent communicators. I never have to worry that there may be a problem about which I am not aware, and I don’t fear Jedi mind tricks. I also feel like I can bring up any topic necessary. And she isn’t a ‘prude’ and has a fun-loving and open-minded attitude toward sex, which is enjoyable to be around. I highly recommend that all singles try to date the next single sex therapist that they meet. We met on JDate.com. Thanks, JDate!”
Angela Skurtu, sex therapist and marriage counsellor in St. Louis:
“There are a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be a sex therapist ― people think you must be great in bed or you must be a swinger! To clarify, as a sex therapist, I talk with people every day about their sexual problems. This means there is a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of educating and a lot of people struggling through problems with sex. While there are fun parts of my job — including the podcast my husband and I do, speaking at conferences about healthy sexuality and writing articles — the majority of the job is spent talking about problems and helping couples overcome those problems. It doesn’t make me want to go home and jump my husband’s bones every day!”
Her spouse, Joshua Skurtu:
“Meh, it’s OK. Most people hear sex therapist and make wild assumptions about what that means. People assume we have a wild and crazy sex life. Yeah, that’s true, but her job has very little to do with it. The assumption is that because my wife spends day in and day out talking about sex that when she comes home she is boiling with desire and ready to pounce. The reality is, most of sex therapy has to do with sexual dysfunction. She helps people with trauma, erectile dysfunction, and because she is also a marriage therapist, half her clients are there to deal with infidelity. Sexy, right? The one benefit of having a wife that is a sex therapist is that she is more comfortable talking about sex and relationships than most people. She is sometimes a little too open about discussing sex, which is why we had to make a rule that she wasn’t allowed to talk about anal sex at parties anymore.”