I didn’t always want to become a nurse. Not because I don’t care for people, but because I care too much.
Luckily, I found a nursing specialty perfect for me. I work in a cardiac catheterisation laboratory where people having heart attacks get sent for treatment. It’s fast-paced with a quick turnaround. I love it because it allows me to help people without getting emotionally attached.
However, the Covid-19 pandemic caused an influx of patients to our hospital and there weren’t enough staff to handle it. Like me, many of my colleagues were moved to ensure there was enough staff in areas where the demand was highest.
For me, that meant moving from the cardiac catheterisation laboratory to an intensive treatment unit (ITU). The days were long and the work very stressful – it was the kind of work that takes so much out of you physically, mentally and emotionally. I found it hard to sleep and when I did sleep, I would constantly dream about work.
It was actually quite overwhelming at times, even to those who were used to working in the high pressure ITU environment. I know people who finished their shift in tears not only from physical exhaustion, but because of the mental burden they carried too.
“I know people who finished their shift in tears not only from physical exhaustion, but because of the mental burden they carried too.”
We all fight to care for and save the lives of our patients, but the reality is that many of these patients do not make it. That is never easy, especially when you see so many young patients, patients the same age as me who are still are in the prime of their lives.
This is only made harder by the fact many of them die without their family around. We nurses try to be with them in their last hours, hold their hand and let them know that they’re not alone. But it’s not the same.
I know colleagues who have had to be with someone as they died, break that news over the phone to the family, and then have to go back on the wards to continue what they were doing. Imagine how extremely difficult that must be. How do you put on a straight face and go on with your day like that didn’t just happen? Like you didn’t just hear heartbroken weeping of grieving families on the other end of the line? Often, the kind of things you encounter in the Covid ward are ones you know you’ll never unsee, ones you’ll never forget.
On my days off I was extremely exhausted. I felt consumed. I was constantly on edge and would cry for no particular reason. I wanted to talk to colleagues because I know they could relate to what I was going through, but at the same time I didn’t want to be another burden for them.
At one point I turned to a mental health coach, who helped me manage my emotions, and structure my days in a way that gave me direction, and empowered me to deal with my struggles better. He gave me specific tasks and I would give him feedback the next week and tell him how it went. As well as the practical support the coach offered, simply having someone who listened was very valuable. I know he was a stranger, but I really looked forward to our sessions every week.
“Many of my colleagues have been redeployed again. And in a matter of time, I’m sure I will be, too”
At work, we had access to an on-site clinical psychologist, Anna, who has really helped me come to terms with what I have been through and helped me process my experience in an objective way. Talking to her was very cathartic and it felt like a heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders.
With this second wave, many of my colleagues have been redeployed again. And in a matter of time, I’m sure I will be, too. I am so proud of how my fellow nurses have stepped up to take on this job, most especially of the ITU nurses who have been doing this since the beginning. It is not easy but I see colleagues soldiering on and supporting each other. The camaraderie and solidarity is really astounding. It is what’s keeping us going and giving us hope that, together, we shall be able to get through this.
For anyone reading this, I urge you to check in on nurses and healthcare workers you may know. Many are struggling in more ways than you could ever imagine. A kind word or gesture to show your support would really go a long way.
Jessica Filoteo is an NHS nurse in London, and member of the Royal College of Nursing. For support, visit the RCN website here
Have a compelling personal story you want to tell? Find out what we’re looking for here, and pitch us on ukpersonal@huffpost.com