An oft-repeated piece of relationship advice is that traveling together as a couple is the ultimate way to test your compatibility.
The general idea is that if you can face the logistical and emotional challenges that go into planning a trip, compromising on the fly and rolling with the unexpected snags that inevitably arise and still like each other at the end, then you can tackle anything together.
But do we put too much emphasis on traveling together well? If you aren’t particularly compatible in this area, does that mean you should break up? After all, just because a couple travels well together doesn’t mean they have to stay together.
HuffPost asked relationship experts to weigh in on these questions and to share their advice for handling travel incompatibility as a couple.
There are many reasons a couple might not travel well together.
“Couples may not travel well together for several reasons, including differing travel preferences, stress management styles and individual needs for space and downtime,” said Mabel Yiu, a marriage and family therapist who is the founding director of Women’s Therapy Institute. “For example, one partner might prefer a structured itinerary with sightseeing and activities, while the other enjoys spontaneous, relaxed travel.”
Sometimes one person leans toward active, adventure-filled vacations, but their partner is focused on rest and relaxation. Other times there are disagreements on the particular types of museums to visit. Travel priorities and expectations can be all over the map.
“One person might value frugality while their partner might put more emphasis on comfort or service,” said dating coach Damona Hoffman, author of “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” “One person might like to do everything together while the other requires solo time. Factor in sleep schedules and time zone adjustments, and you could have a recipe for disaster ― or you could have the perfect opportunity for a couple to work on communication, expectation setting and compromise.”
Going on a trip together can highlight people’s differing stress responses as well.
“Travel can also be stressful for some people, with delays and lost baggage to contend with,” said psychologist and sex and relationship expert Melissa Cook. “This can exacerbate existing communication problems and even highlight differences in how two people deal with and address any potential problems.”
She added that spending so much uninterrupted time together, often in close quarters without much personal space, can also put a strain on a relationship.
“Travel brings out a different side of people,” noted Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “Away from the structure of routine, some may get excited and feel adventurous while others may feel anxious or insecure. Structure helps us know what to expect, and we respond accordingly.”
Although the concerns and constraints of everyday life can melt away during a trip, some travellers find that they’re replaced with other concerns, making it difficult to live in the moment.
“Not traveling well together may have to do with your partner’s family of origin, their value system and how it relates to travel style,” Ross added. “What style of vacation was valued by the family ― are there fond, nostalgic memories connected to travel, or did family vacations bring out difficult or dysfunctional family dynamics? It’s important to understand what may be underneath a partner who doesn’t ‘travel well.’”
Travel incompatibility doesn’t mean you have to break up.
“Don’t think you have to break up if you’re not perfect travel buddies,” Hoffman said. “See it as an opportunity for growth in your relationship plus a little dash of relationship anarchy.”
She emphasised that if you can learn to communicate and compromise better, you’ll have more enjoyable trips together in the future.
“Being incompatible on certain things is inherently part of being in a relationship,” echoed Alysha Jeney, a relationship therapist and the founder of Modern Love Counselling. “It’s how you work on those incompatibilities to forge respect, compromise and appreciation that allows a relationship to grow. If traveling together is the only thing that doesn’t feel in sync in your relationship, it’s most likely a disconnect with understanding each other’s preferences, moods, values and fears.”
What’s important is your respective attitudes toward your travel incompatibility and whether you’re committed to solving these issues. Are you both interested in examining what’s at play under the surface, offering support and reaching a mutual understanding? Or are one or both of you unwilling to listen and compromise with the other’s differing needs?
If the latter is the case, then your travel incompatibility may well end up being the issue that led you to realise your relationship wasn’t built to last. Alternatively, you might get to a place of compromise and support in realising that travel is not one of your preferred activities as a couple.
“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” Hoffman said. “You probably have other friends with whom you do regular trips or who already like to travel your way. It’s more important to continue to value those friendships and carve out time for those trips than to force your partner to do everything you like to do the way you like to do it.”
You can take steps to improve the situation.
Again, all is not lost if you go on a trip with your significant other and find that you don’t travel well together. The experts who spoke to HuffPost offered advice for couples who struggle in this area.
“As with many other things, try to have open, honest communication,” Ross emphasised. “Practice active listening ― listen with curiosity and to understand, not to convince them of another way. Understand what matters to your partner.”
Demonstrating that you’re keeping each other in mind and making each other’s needs and values a priority goes a long way.
“Talk to each other prior to planning a trip about all the components to travel and the issues you both have faced in the past together,” Jeney advised. “So, for example, if the two of you have experienced stressors around the actual travel and struggle with how you both desire spending time at your destination, ask each other how you may better prepare for future trips to support each other better.”
She also recommended discussing any sensitivities, fears and stressors either of you feels around travel.
“Finally, ask each other about compromise,” she added. “What are you both willing to budge on to support the other person? What are you not willing to? For the things you are unwilling to budge on, is it possible to experience that alone without resentment in order for the both of you to enjoy your experience?”
Don’t forget to set a budget that will be mutually honoured and respected.
“Planning a trip is a lot like making an investment together, and your individual incomes and comfort levels on spending should be a factor when organising a trip,” Jeney said. “If you cannot come up with a compromise that is supportive of one another, the bigger issue in the relationship may be more of a power struggle than it is of incompatible travel partners.”
Figure out who will be doing what in the planning and transit process.
“Identify and amplify each of your travel strengths,” Hoffman recommended. “For example, I’m a navigator. I love mapping everything out, booking flights, driving and coordinating train schedules, so I tend to take the lead on those tasks, while my husband is a more efficient and organised packer and a calmer problem-solver, so he handles those things. This makes us better at traveling together than solo because we get to double our skills when we travel as a team.”
Figure out who will make the itinerary and how you’ll divvy up the research and bookings. Repeatedly check in with each other and consider making a shared Google Doc.
“A level of compromise is required, but it’s also important to do things that you enjoy separately so that you can both enjoy your own interests,” Cook said. “You could also take it in turns to plan or not plan the day’s activities.
Remember, you can plan your own individual trips, as well.
“Sometimes it’s OK to travel separately,” Yiu said. “If a couple enjoys different types of travel, taking separate trips can be beneficial. This allows each partner to enjoy their preferred travel experiences without compromising.”
When you do decide to take a trip as a couple, try to lean into travel as a great way to discover new things about each other and about the world together.
“It’s important to approach travel with flexibility, patience and a sense of humour,” Yiu said. “Embrace the challenges and use them as opportunities to deepen your understanding and connection with your partner. Remember, the goal is to enjoy each other’s company and create shared memories, even if the journey is not always smooth.”