When Kim Jong Il, he of short stature but huge ambition, passed last year, the Internet went into overload with classic memes such as 'Kim Jong Il dropping the bass' and 'Kim Jong Il looking at things'. Though brilliant in their simplicity, I personally think neither have reached the heights of Selleck Waterfall Sandwich, a collection of images of, obviously, Tom Selleck with a waterfall and a sandwich.
Click here if you're already bored - http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/
Time consuming internet wit aside, the late Dictator's will was infused with his trademark irony and general disregard for common belief, summed up in the words - 'Dear 'lil Il, make peace and build more weapons.'
Full disclosure - I'm not completely sure that he ever called his son 'lil Il. Especially since it's well known that he despises colloquial abbreviations and his son was three feet taller than him.
But what else did his final testament from beyond the grave entail?
Spoilers!
- It is well known that Kim Jong Il was born under a double rainbow, which bestowed mystic powers to his wafty bouffant. As such, he has requested his head be shaved and the magic tendrils of hair be distributed as a special prize in North Korea's highest selling breakfast cereal, Social-Os.
- He reveals that it wasn't a forged passport that got his eldest son arrested at Disneyland saying, 'It is with a heavy heart that I finally admit his detainment was for a vile act involving a sassy mouse, a sauced chipmunk and a soiled teacup.'
- He wishes that his favourite meal, rice, be made each and every night in case he comes back to life. He's asked that it be left next to the kitchen sink as he'll 'most likely have to wash his hands first'. He explicitly said he will not be coming down the chimney as he believes Santa is a racist.
- Orders have been given to keep his body frozen in the event that the technology for either reanimation or cybernetic enhancement is achieved. While he was open to 'whichever one comes first', his list of suggested names including 'Dictator Gadget', 'Robosocialist', 'ilectric' and 'Jongatron' show where his true hopes lie. It's unsure whether the joke he made about taxidermy following these claims will be taken seriously. Though it quite a reaction in at the room.
- He lamented his failure at removing short people from the country's gene pool. However, his stance has softened somewhat, offering a compromise that, 'if it is the future of our great nation to have the dwarf be a part of our race, then I wish that they be ocelots instead'. Also known as the dwarf leopard, he referred lovingly to the ocelot as, 'a fierce creature with the vulnerability and surprising dexterity of a retired European trapeze artist.'
- As an addendum to the previous point, he's asked that the book 'Wet Goddess' be made required reading for all North Korean people considering inter-species mating. He says it's quite a simple read and to 'just replace the word dolphin with ocelot'. http://www.amazon.com/Wet-Goddess-Malcolm-J-Brenner/dp/0615334601
- His sunglasses, referenced as 'my most trusted ally', is to go on 70-day tour of the country. He's also asked that the car carrying them leave Back to the Future flame tracks behind it.
- Little known was his penchant for dirty slang. As such he has asked that the government find someone to give meaning to his latest euphemisms - The Hypercolour Walrus, Plucking the Greasy Banjo and Meafing the Spoon.
- He claims to have been the inspiration for the Old Spice Guy, Batman and Jesus; though he states he has no plans to re-coup royalties, he just wants everyone to know.
- A closet chrometophobic (fear of money), he's left a detailed outline of how the world can move to a single currency based around hand gestures, small animals and the ability to roll one's tongue.
- In closing, he reiterated his love for the people of North Korea with a few lines from his favourite Celine Dion song 'Love Can Move Mountains'. He also said if and when she passes, it's officially 'Open Season' on Canada. Whatever that means.
End spoilers!
Pretty much your standard list of requests if you think about it. Though it's more fun to think about crime fighting ponies. Or whatever.