Group Chat is a weekly series where HuffPost UK writers address the diary dilemmas we all face and how to reclaim our social lives in a busy world.
“I miss you. Let’s meet up soon?” These are the words which crop up in my inbox and outbox on an almost weekly basis. I miss my friends, and they (to my eternal surprise) miss me. The issue is, many of them are dotted around the country and, as a result, I don’t see them as much as I’d like.
A little context for you: I’ve never been part of a huge friendship group. At primary school I had three close friends, at secondary school, I had a different set of close friends, and then at college, uni and throughout various jobs I’ve picked up the odd friend or two along the way.
I have friends who live in Telford where I grew up, but also in Wolverhampton and Birmingham where I went to university. Some friends have moved abroad – one of them now lives in Sweden, another will jet off to Australia later this year. I’ve also got some wonderful pals in London where I live now, which is great.
But, unlike a fair few of my peers, I don’t have one big group I can meet in one place at one time, which means a large chunk of my life is spent making visits to individual friends. And if I don’t do it right, it can be bloody exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always make time for these visits and I never regret them. These are my friends and they are worth every penny and effort (oh hey again, London Euston departure boards). But I’d be a great big (or little, I’m 5ft) liar if I didn’t admit I’ve struggled to get the balance right over the years.
When I pitched this column to my boss, she wanted to know how I make it work. The reality is that I regularly feel guilty – that I’m not seeing my friends more – and half the time, I don’t feel that I am making it work.
Life is busy – you have friends, family, a job, a partner, pets. Each require their own time slots and individual levels of attention – I’m looking at you, Pip and Pebbles (the cats). Then there’s the general life admin, the holidays and household chores – cleaning, painting, building sheds – to squeeze in.
If you’re lucky, you try to find some me-time amid the adulting. And then general life sh*t crops up which you never even thought to account for.
To avoid what I’m going to call “long-distance friendship burnout”, I try to allot one weekend a month to seeing a friend – or having them to stay with me. When it comes to playing guest or host, it’s nice to take turns.
I’ve had weekends in the past where I’ve tried to squeeze multiple friend visits into one trip but, as my colleague pointed out in a previous column, it’s when friendship becomes a tick box exercise that is gets most exhausting. I don’t feel present enough for my friends if I’m thinking about what time I have to leave to see the next person, so now it’s all about one friend at a time.
Obviously it means seeing them less often but at the same time I get to spend more time with them when I do – and that’s a big win in my books.
Technology is also a major help as I can keep updated between visits on Whatsapp and Instagram, and on track with various life updates so we have stuff to discuss when I see them next. I am on a mission to be a better Whatsapp-er and hopefully, by the time I’m 30, I will have mastered the art of replying straight away. (Yup, I’m one of those.) It’s a process.
I’ll be honest. I’m still getting to grips with international friendships – and I regret to say I haven’t been to see my friend who lives in Sweden since she moved there a few years ago. The guilt is real. But I want to make that right this year.
And when that other friend I mentioned – sob – moves to Australia, it’s going to be tough. But whether she’s in Telford or on the other side of the world, I know we’ll power through.
Long-distance friendships can be tough. It’s hard when something happens in your life and your BFFs are hundreds of miles away. But they are also beautiful and 100% worth all the fuss. I know that when I see my friends in Telford or Wolverhampton, and it’s been a few months, we’ll be able to pick up exactly where we left off.
And that’s exactly why we’re friends in the first place.