In this TikTok era of quippy terms for lifestyle trends, you might have heard about “loud budgeting” in personal finance or “loud quitting” in the workplace.
It turns out you can apply “loudness” to your dating as well. The concept is called “loud looking,” and it might be the ultimate game changer.
But is loud looking an overall positive approach to take in the pursuit of modern romance? HuffPost asked relationship experts to break down the trend, the benefits and downsides and how to best make it work in your dating life.
What is ‘loud looking’?
“In the realm of dating, the term ‘loud looking’ refers to being open and clear about your romantic goals and wishes, shunning any vagueness or the notion of ‘playing it cool,’” said Joy Berkheimer, a relationship therapist and chief sexologist at the Sexual Wellness Awards.
Loud looking is about stating your relationship goals. It can involve telling loved ones that you’re looking for a partner or rewriting your dating app profile to be more explicit and intentional about what you’re searching for.
“‘Looking for’ was the top bio mention on Tinder last year, which proves that singles are embracing this concept of loud looking,” said Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and author of “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.”
“Loud looking is being upfront,” she added. “It is a rejection of ‘let’s play it cool and see where this goes’ and ‘up for anything’ and a clear declaration about what you really want in an effort to waste less time with mismatched dating expectations.”
The “loud” is less about volume and more about being unapologetically vocal. Clarity and transparency are key to finding someone who’s in tune with you.
“Those practicing loud looking communicate directly about their goals, intentions and availability,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “They consciously avoid giving mixed signals, playing games and strategizing about their next move. If your wants and desires are clear, they are spoken, not hidden.”
What are the benefits?
“Loud looking is a great way to empower yourself and be proactive in dating instead of just hoping the right person will come along,” said April Davis, the founder of Luma Luxury Matchmaking. “Loud looking makes it abundantly clear what your intentions are. It cuts through the confusion of modern dating and proudly states, ‘I’m looking for something real.’”
She noted that directness can attract people who are on the same page with their relationship goals.
“It eliminates ambiguity and misunderstandings,” Ross said. “It lessens the chance of continuing in a relationship where one person thinks it’s going somewhere and the other thinks otherwise. Ideally it brings people together who genuinely want and are available for the same kind of relationship.”
Loud looking can also foster attractive qualities like confidence and self-assurance in yourself.
“Clarity is magnetic,” said dating coach Sabrina Zohar. “When you own what you’re looking for, you naturally start filtering out the emotionally unavailable people who can’t meet you there. You waste less time. You stop settling for situationships. You feel more in control. Loud looking gives you the power to choose, not chase.”
Going for what you want and letting the world know can help you forge connections quickly, too.
“There’s no beating around the bush,” said dating coach and relationship expert James Preece. “There’s no embarrassment or concern about what others think. Instead, you are putting your needs first.”
Any downsides?
“The downside is that being direct and clear, while empowering, is also vulnerable,” Ross said. “Some potential partners will find the approach refreshing and match their style, and others might be intimidated and put off. On the one hand, many of the second type probably aren’t the ‘right’ match anyway, but that’s not a 100% certainty.”
She added that loud looking has the potential to be misinterpreted as “coming on too strong” and putting pressure on prospective suitors.
“While ‘loud looking’ can streamline someone’s search for love, it can scare people off rather quickly,” said Stephanie Wijkstrom, author of “Creating Relationship Wellness” and founder of the Counselling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh. “Many people fear someone being so upfront about their expectations, and may think the early conversation about big topics like having a family in the future is too much, too soon.”
You run the risk of alienating potential partners who do share your goals and values but don’t feel as comfortable addressing these desires early on.
“Not everyone is going to receive loud looking positively,” Davis said. “Unfortunately, many people still see openness and vulnerability as desperate.”
As a result, you need to get comfortable dealing with rejection, which tends to be easier said than done.
“Loud looking can also put a damper on the lighthearted, fun aspects of early dating ― heading right to more serious conversations,” Ross said.
You may be tempted to let heavy or negative talk dominate your earliest interactions.
“Ranting about politics, dating app frustrations or boasting about numerous dates can be off-putting,” said dating expert Andrea McGinty. “Focus on positive, meaningful conversations instead.”
She similarly advised against excessive specificity in your search.
“Statements like, ‘I must have a man who fits into my family and shares my religion,’ or, ‘I only date those with Ivy League degrees’ may exclude people you could genuinely connect with,” McGinty said.
These kinds of strongly stated preferences can make you look overly demanding, even to those who fit those preferences.
“While clarity around your relationship goals is key and confidence and clarity about who you are is sexy, rigidity can be a turnoff for even the most-qualified matches,” Hoffman said.
What’s the best way to test out ‘loud looking’?
“For anyone interested in trying loud looking, my advice is to be confident, but intentional,” Davis advised. “You don’t have to overshare or constantly announce your relationship status. You just need to let the right people know what you’re genuinely seeking.”
In order to do that, you should focus on self-awareness ― understanding who you are and what you want in a partner.
“First you have to identify your own must-haves and dealbreakers,” Hoffman said. “Technically, I only give my clients one dealbreaker to keep them in an open-minded framework. Once you have clarified what is important to you, put it in your bio.”
Try to keep your dating profile clear and direct in stating your goals and desires, but don’t be afraid to display your sense of humor as well.
“Keep in mind that ‘loud looking’ doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and be lighthearted ― and it doesn’t eliminate all the uncertainty, just some of it,” Ross said. “Loud looking clarifies the intention of each person but isn’t a substitute for figuring out if someone is right for you.”
As you connect with a potential partner, try to frame your wants and needs in a positive way.
“Speak on it with excitement, not focusing on telling someone all the things you don’t want, but speaking on what you desire and paying attention to someone affirming these values and dreams,” Berkheimer said.
You can use subtlety and humor in your ‘loud looking’ as well.
“After some connection has been established, a playful question like, ‘So, are you an uncle who spoils your nephews?’ can naturally lead to a conversation about family goals,” McGinty said. “If the answer is, ‘No, I’m not into kids,’ you have your answer without coming across as intense.”
Once you have the answer, match your actions to your words by sticking to your stated boundaries, preferences and goals.
“Tell your friends and family you’re open to being set up,” Davis urged. “Mention your relationship goals early into dating without any pressure. And don’t be afraid to walk away from a potential romance if they aren’t on the same page.”