Let's get honest about masturbation and pornography. I'm going to simplify it like this: you watch porn because it physically and mentally arouses you. You want to be aroused, because you want to masturbate. Preferably alone.
You want to masturbate because you enjoy the feeling of being private with your own sexuality. Because you want a guaranteed uncomplicated orgasm. Porn merely assists and heightens this experience for you. If you accept this as your truth, then you must accept that pornography and masturbation go hand in hand, so to speak.
Society has blackballed both porn and masturbation, independently of each other. Porn is blamed for creating "sex addicts" out of men, who are then medicalised into specialised clinics. I know that men and women in equal proportion, if PornHub and my own research are to be believed, watch porn out of curiosity, to seek more interesting sex than they're having, and to learn how to have more interesting sex than that which they're currently having.
I am not naive about the many men who have trouble with consuming porn as a way of easing anxiety and other uncomfortable emotions. Once this is discovered in my therapy room, porn no longer is the problem — rather a symptom of other painful life experiences.
My question is: why is masturbation blackballed? I think that all the fuss about porn is really society's way of distracting us from masturbating alone. So let's not get into the porn debate. I want to focus on masturbation.
Challenge to you: Help me understand why masturbation remains taboo to you. I know you practise and enjoy it. As I launched my social media May theme, "cum what May", my twitter feed went crazy. People want a safe place to talk about masturbation.
Masturbation is a private act, and in relationships we are not supposed to have any privacy. So we go underground with our solo sexual activity.
Tick off your truth:
- I keep it secret from my partner;
- It is a form of intimate betrayal;
- It is a form of sexual infidelity;
- I enjoy it more than partner sex as there is no pressure;
- It is more sexually satisfying than partner sex;
- I only do it together with my partner;
- I do it in addition to partner sex.
Marriage and significant relationships become a place to surrender one's individuality, hang up one's unique quirks and interests — and in addition, create a sexual hub.
A hub that is occupied by two people exclusively; 4 hands and 2 sets of genitals. The marriage / relationship myth that accompanies these strong societal messages is that all individual sexual play is barred. Everything must from now on be shared, including exclusive access to each other's genitals.
Masturbation is a private act, and in relationships we are not supposed to have any privacy. So we go underground with our solo sexual activity. And when caught out, we feel shame, get called a sex addict and sent for treatment.
Back in the day, there was a disorder called "masturbatory insanity". Today it is called "porn addiction".
Its treatment was castration and clitoridectomy. Thomas S Szasz was a psychiatrist extraordinaire, and he stated that the false beliefs around masturbation and the medical interventions it appears to justify serves the needs of the believers — especially the relatives of "patients" who seek control over the misbehaviour of their "loved ones", and the physicians who gain prestige and power by "diagnosing" and "treating" misbehaviour as if it were disease.
If you are choosing it over partner sex, however, or if it interferes with your interest in partner sex, then talk to your partner about it.
Masturbation, a sexual activity begun in the womb, is relegated to the dark recesses of memory, as it is considered being disloyal to the partner. I prefer that you get the facts. Lay aside your shame, have a conversation with your partner/,s and accept masturbation as a healthy engaging private activity. Here are the reasons why:
1. "If you masturbate, it means your relationship isn't satisfying" is nonsense! Masturbation leads to higher incidence of partner sex, as you are keeping your sexuality alive and well... which is your personal responsibility.
If your relationship is not satisfying, no amount of masturbation will fix it. Rather take your hands off your own genitals long enough to have an honest and difficult conversation with your partner.
2. "It's the fastest way to orgasm." Correct! Any woman needs about 15-20 minutes to become orgasmic. Using a vibrator and her own fingers, in a completely private nonpressured environment, will get her there faster and more intensely.
Its the quickie of solo sex. Of course, now and then spending long languid hours making love to yourself is deeply encouraged too, for sexual self-discovery and self-reflection.
3. "You will prefer it to partnered sex" is both fact and myth. Let's not do a comparison. It may be preferable, but it's different. No one knows how to stimulate you quite as well as you do. Accept that both experiences are unique, and both should be satisfying.
If you are choosing it over partner sex, however, or if it interferes with your interest in partner sex, then talk to your partner about it.
'Masturbation is a personal choice. There are excellent health reasons for men and for women to masturbate regularly.
4. "Women can become addicted to vibrators" is also nonsense! I prefer women to become orgasmic with her own fingers/hands before she gets into vibe use. I want her to be able to guide a partner/s into bringing her to orgasm with mouth/tongue/fingers and not have to rely on a vibe for orgasms. A partner might object to a vibe, and then she is left high and dry.
Soon she will claim a headache... and sneak alone time with her vibrator. Then again, who cares how she gets off?! Vibes are there to enable women to explore and get rid of sexual shame of being pre-orgasmic, which leaves men feeling paralysed sexually. This is why I am offering less 10 percent on all my products in the store for the month of May.
5. "Masturbation causes erectile dysfunction" — rubbish! Recent research negates this myth. Porn is also wrongly blamed for this. Erectile dysfunction in younger men is as a result of anxiety, increased use of antidepressants and condom use.
Masturbation, which people in relationships do more frequently than partner sex, offers a different sensation that may be difficult to replicate within a vagina and even inside the tight anus. This can cause erectile dysfunction.