Communication between teenagers and parents can be a complicated matter, especially when it comes to discussing tricky topics like sex, bullying and online safety. Amidst hormones and struggling for independence, new data published in the NCS (National Citizen Service)’s Youth Report ‘Welcome to our World’ has revealed a significant communication mismatch surrounding so-called ‘battleground issues’.
Widespread surveys of England’s adults and adolescents found that parents are far more likely to say they’ve talked about sensitive topics than teenagers are to say they have discussed these same topics with their parents. When it comes to bullying, twice as many parents as teens believe they have discussed it – 56% of parents vs 27% of teens – with a similar mismatch when it comes to online safety and talking about dangers and precautions on the internet. The gap is even greater around sex and relationships, with 28% of parents saying they have discussed their teen’s sex life with them, compared to just 10% of teens.
It’s clear that many parents are touching on these topics, but often feel they don’t get through to their teens or are left wondering why they don’t take on board what’s been said.
Whilst it’s great that parents are broaching difficult issues with their teens, there can be a tendency for parents to talk at their teen in an attempt to provide information, or skirt around the edges of a topic using euphemisms. Neither of these approaches lead to a true discussion. As a result, teens may feel they’ve not had a proper conversation about tricky topics which can lead to a communication breakdown, positions becoming entrenched and conflict.
Broaching sensitive and potentially awkward issues is no easy task for either party, but communication is a skill that can be developed over time by young people, especially by taking part in initiatives such as NCS. An important part of NCS’ programme is about helping teens to be more open and teaching them to speak up about what matters most to them, as well as honing communication skills through working with a wide range of different people. For parents, there are a few key factors that can facilitate successful parent-teen communication:
1. Go for a drip, drip approach: An environment where no topic is taboo is the best for allowing and then enhancing parent – teen conversation. Topics are best discussed in short, relaxed ‘bursts’. So, chatting for a few minutes over dinner one day, then another few minutes over a cup of tea, or whilst cooking the next and then during a car journey another day is more effective than having a focused discussion for an hour once.
2. Be curious: Maintaining a stance of curiosity reduces the judgements that can be made. Be curious about your child and their experiences of life / friendship etc, they will be more willing to talk as they’ll feel you are interested rather than interrogatory or judgemental.
3. Listen more: A productive discussion should be 80% parent listening. Simply telling a teenager what they should or shouldn’t do in relation to important issues such as sex, alcohol and drugs, that issue has not actually been discussed as teens haven’t had the opportunity to voice their opinion and ask questions
4. Don’t jump the gun: Try not to catastrophise. Teenagers have all sorts of thoughts and questions about sensitive topics, but it doesn’t mean they’re going to act on them. Parents must not be afraid of the content of discussions or react negatively. If the adolescent senses shock they will shut down.
5. Don’t push it: Leave lines of communication open, but don’t feel that teens need to tell you everything. Parents should address any perceived problems, but also respect teenagers’ privacy. By demonstrating you are willing to listen, they are more likely to talk to you when they need to.
6. Normalise, but don’t trivialise: Rather than a single formal sit-down monologue, it’s best to talk about sensitive topics regularly in more casual settings to help normalise the topic and make it clear that talking about it is acceptable and even expected. But ensure you are truly discussing the subject, not skirting around the issue.
7. Don’t go behind backs: When adolescents confide in confidence, it can be hard for parents to progress to a course of action without damaging trust. To address this, try to collaborate with your teen and discuss alternative options together to decide on the best way forward. This creates a collaborative approach, rather than conflict ridden one.
Although it might take some practice, having effective discussions with teens can help them make safer and healthier decisions. Opening the lines of communication and creating an atmosphere of trust also builds confidence and helps young people feel more self-assured, knowing they have support - rather than judgement - from parents at a crucial stage of development in their life.
Almost 400,000 young people have completed the NCS programme to date. To find out more about the programme which helps young people become better individuals, and in turn better citizens, visit: http://www.ncsyes.co.uk