I wasn’t going to post this – it’s attention-seeking. I’ve deleted my Facebook account because I can’t cope with social media and its attention seeking nature and how bad I feel when I read about other people’s perfect lives. But then I think that maybe attention does actually need to be drawn to some things.
Monday will be the due date of my first miscarriage. I thought that I wouldn’t be a person who would want to mark that occasion, that I’m pragmatic and that I certainly wouldn’t be ‘one of those people’ who post things about their personal life on social media. But I’ve realised that I need to mark the occasion. That it’s something that I have to highlight and share because having a miscarriage and going through pregnancy loss is a very lonely place.
Since that first miscarriage, I’ve had an ectopic pregnancy. That was pretty recent. I’m still figuring out where I am with that. I had surgery to remove my left fallopian tube and I think I’m just about finished with the physical mending – apart from a query on bowel damage. Emotionally though, I’ve got a long way to go.
Apparently my chances of conceiving are not affected that much. But when it took over six months to conceive each time before this, the prospect of trying again with less of the required equipment is pretty daunting.
I’m sharing this because it feels like you’re alone in your own head to go through it. It feels like you’re not a part of the club of ‘normal’ women who are getting pregnant and having children all around you. The club that you were brought up to believe that you would gain instant access to the moment you wanted it. The club that can’t quite meet your eye; that whispers about symptoms and baby names when they think you can’t hear them. The club that I assumed I’d be a member of.
But instead I’m here with a due date on Monday, surprised at myself for feeling that it’s an occasion, and wondering how I’m supposed to deal with it.
I do consider myself fortunate. I have close friends who have experienced abject hell when it comes to trying to have a child. Friends who have been trying to conceive for years and years. People who have given birth to babies who were sleeping. Some enduring the torment of round after round of IVF. So in the grand scheme of things, I’ve not had a bad run of it. But we can only deal with our own run of things.
I’m sharing this because it’s important for me to. Somehow, if one other person who is experiencing something similar finds some comfort knowing that they are not entirely alone, then that would be great.
We’re kind of supposed to keep these things to ourselves, because they’re ‘personal’. Yes, it is extremely personal. But the keeping it to yourself, ‘private’ thing somehow makes it into one of the loneliest places I’ve ever been.