After Alex Bollen’s first baby was born, the author was riddled with this deep, unending fear of being a bad mother. It’s a fear many parents have probably felt at some point, prompting feelings of anxiety and guilt.
With a background in research, she decided to go searching for answers and discovered a wealth of studies surrounding motherhood and parenting that had been exaggerated or misrepresented in the media.
These ‘Good Mother myths’, as she calls them, are an assortment of narratives, ideologies and stereotypes that shame mums. And there were so many that she ended up writing a book about it – Motherdom: Breaking Free from Bad Science and Good Mother Myths was born.
“I wrote the book because I am completely and utterly fed up with all the guilt-inducing garbage which is peddled about motherhood,” the author told HuffPost UK.
Here, she walks us through what she believes are some of the most popular ‘Good Mother myths’ – and why we should reject each one of them.
1. ‘There is a best approach – and you’ll damage your child if you do something different’
Everyone has an opinion on the best way to do parenting and, as a new parent finding your feet, it can be extremely unhelpful.
“The camps for and against different parenting approaches – like bed sharing or gentle parenting – accuse each other of harming kids. The fear of being labelled a Bad Mother can make these debates particularly agonising for women,” said Bollen.
“But there’s no evidence that these different approaches have any meaningful long-term impact on children.”
She added that there is not just one “optimal” way to care for babies and children.
“Variation and diversity are at the heart of what it is to be human, and we see this in the many different ways women mother across and within different societies,” she explained.
“It makes absolutely no evolutionary sense for there to be just one correct pattern of care. There are a multitude of different ways to nurture, protect and socialise children. Circumstances, context and personalities all play a part in parenting.”
Ultimately, she urges mothers: “Do what you find works for you and your family.”
2. ‘The more mothers stimulate their babies, the better’
If you scroll through social media, chances are you’ll come across dozens of posts about the best ways to play with your child and keep them occupied every minute of the day.
If you’re not seen to be playing with your child constantly then are you even a good mum?
Bollen warned we don’t need to “optimise” children’s development by consciously doing things to stimulate them.
“Babies and children are stimulated by whatever their mothers (and everyone else in their lives) do for them and with them. Indeed, they are stimulated by life,” she said.
“The Good Mother myth that the more stimulation a baby receives, the better, makes no logical sense. There is a ceiling to how far anything can develop or grow, it cannot be infinite.”
She added that if such a myth goes unchallenged, it means that whatever parents – particularly mothers – do, “it is never enough”.
3. ‘Motherhood is natural’
There can be a lot of guilt that surrounds motherhood and feeling like you should instantly bond and love your baby. Likewise, there’s often this expectation that parents, especially mothers, should love every minute of the ride – when in fact, the ride can be hard and exhausting.
Bollen said the Good Mother myths that “women are naturally nurturing and maternal” and “looking after children is rewarding and pleasurable” have “great power in prescribing how mothers should feel and behave”.
“The idea of ‘nature’ derives much of its potency from its strong moral undertones, particularly its association with purity and innocence. It also draws on a sense of inevitability, something that just is, which cannot be questioned or rejected,” she said.
“Put simply, ‘nature’ is hard to argue with. But ‘nature’ is a very malleable concept and the myth of the natural mother doesn’t stand up to any meaningful scrutiny. A cursory glance across time, geography and culture shows us how much variation there is in how mothers care for their children.”
4. ‘Good mothers are happy mothers’
The author and researcher said the final myth is “pretty easy to discount on a rational level”, but it still has “an enormous amount of emotional and cultural power” – and that’s this notion that good mums are the happy ones.
“There are many good reasons why mothers may be unhappy, such as violent partners, poverty, or poor health,” she said.
“Having children does not magic any of this away and worry about the impact of such difficulties on beloved children can deepen the sense of despair.”
She added there are many good reasons to have ambivalent or negative feelings about motherhood itself. “This does not mean we are bad, ill or unnatural. Child-rearing can be very hard work,” she said.
“Love and frustration intermingle. It is normal to love our children but to find the day-to-day tasks of parenting, like playing and bathing, tedious – some or all of the time. This does not make someone a bad mother.”
We couldn’t agree more.