Being a mum is the greatest achievement in my life. It’s given me the opportunity to grow and become the best person I could ever have imagined to be.
I had an idea of what motherhood was going to be like, and I had all these plans for having a little girl that would one day become my best friend. We would go to dance classes together and I would watch her from the sidelines, beaming with pride. We would go clothes shopping and have afternoon tea together as she grew into a young woman. I would be there to wipe away the teenage tears over boys and friendships and then, as she grew into her own wonderful woman, I would watch her walk down the aisle and maybe one day stand by her side and guide her as she became a mother herself.
That was the dream until my beautiful Holly was born and my dream and direction changed. I found myself heading on a new journey of motherhood that was possibly going to be the most challenging, scariest and life-changing journey I would take in my lifetime. Holly was born with a life-limiting illness, but her needs and her whole beautiful being has given me a greater depth to motherhood than I could have ever imagined.
We didn’t get to do the dance classes and I never got to sit and watch the performance. We struggle to go clothes shopping as her wheelchair is so big and the shops are too crowded. We didn’t get to eat afternoon tea as Holly is tube fed and unable to eat. We don’t have to deal with teenager tantrums or tears as Holly is unable to speak, and has spent a big proportion of her life in hospital.
I know I’ll never watch Holly walk down the aisle, as she will never leave my side and will rely on me for everything forever.
And as for experiencing her own journey to motherhood? That too is a distant passing thought that disappeared the moment my beautiful daughter was sent to us.
Although our journey looks different to the one I dreamed of, it certainly hasn’t been any less wonderful or fulfilling for us both as a mother and daughter team.
Our bond is unbreakable and without words we know that the love between us cancels out any notions I had of what motherhood would be like as Holly has changed me and lots of people around her by being the most inspiring and courageous daughter I could ever have dreamed of. She took my dreams and brought them to life with a massive bang, my heart could explode with pride as I think of our journey over the last 17 years. She’s certainly one hell of a force to be reckoned with, her determination is evident for all to see as she defies the odds time and time again.
So I may have changed my setting from a ballet class to an intensive care unit as I sit on the sidelines and beam with pride but it makes our mother and daughter bond no different -maybe just a little more unique.
My Mother’s Day is spent every year with my children, who mean the world to me, and I smile and feel thankful that Holly had made it to another’s Mother’s Day with me. Inside though, I hide the fear and unbelievable sadness knowing that this could be our last Mother’s Day together as with our journey tomorrow is never promised.
So if I could wish for one thing for Mother’s Day it would not be to change Holly in any way as I think she’s perfect just the way she is, but I would wish that our mother and daughter team could stay together forever and never be separated. Deep down I know that my wishes are never going to become the reality so I go back to locking those thoughts in my little secret box and carry on enjoying every single second of being the best mum I can be to my beautiful Holly.